Kate Lawler has opened up about suicidal thoughts she experienced after having her baby, before she opted to go onto antidepressants.
The TV personality, 41, found it quite difficult to adjust to her new life after the birth of her daughter Noa in February of last year.
Kate didn't understand where her feelings were coming from and felt that she'd ruined both her partner Martin “Boj” Bojtos, 38, and her own life.
At one point she admitted to coming close to shaking baby Noa. In her new book, Maybe Baby, she opened up about the experience.
She said: "With depression, you think: ‘I don’t understand why I’m having these feelings when I have so much to be happy about. I’ve got a roof over my head and I’ve got a family and a partner who loves me and I’ve got my dogs and a job, and I’ve got a baby who’s healthy.’
"You can’t really understand it, but there were many times when I sat in the nursery feeling so low that I wanted to kill myself. I thought: ‘I don’t want to be here any more. I’ve ruined my life. I’ve ruined Boj’s life.’ And I had never had that before. I started Googling suicide rates in new mums and it’s terrifying."
In the Saving Lives, Improving Mothers’ Care report of 2021 it was reported that maternal suicide remains the leading cause of direct deaths occurring within a year after the end of pregnancy.
Kate confessed that she then felt resentment towards her partner as she "knew" she would experience these feelings after having a child.
She wrote: "Then I was thinking: ‘For so long I resisted the idea of having a child because I knew I would feel like this.’ That was really hard to deal with, because I would feel resentment towards Boj. He is a saint for putting up with me, because I was so miserable.
"I’m very lucky to have a partner who’s really in tune with how I’m feeling — he can tell. I can’t believe he’s still with me and still wants to marry me."
Kate insists that getting a night nanny to help three nights a week and seeing both a personal and couples therapist helped her turn her mental health around.
She tried out CBD oil for a period of time before deciding that antidepressants were the answer.
Following Noa's first birthday Kate took to Instagram, telling her 410k followers: "I think we’re seeing a shift towards women being more open and honest about their mental health postnatally. It’s important to have these conversations.
"I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. I want to normalise having postnatal depression or even just feeling low and like you’ve made a mistake or you regret having the baby, as it’s normal to feel like that. It’s really tough, parenting. I’ve never ever found it easy, even now that Noa has turned one."
- For emotional support you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org, visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website.
