Kate Ferdinand has described the "bizarre" feeling of grieving for her husband Rio's late wife Rebecca because she never met her in person.
Rebecca Ellison tragically passed away aged 34 after a short battle with breast cancer in 2015, leaving the former footballer, 43, and their three children; Lorenz, 15, Tate, 13, and Tia, 10, devastated.
Kate said she found herself at times "wishing Rebecca was back here" as she detailed how she struggles watching her family grieve in her latest episode of her podcast, Blended.
Talking to psychotherapist, Julia Samuel, Kate said: "I don't know if I'm upset for the children or for me. I find myself wishing she was back here.
"I can see the pain the kids are in and then it kind of brings this sliding door situation where I think 'oh well if she was here, then I wouldn't be here'.
"Me and Tia actually spoke about it quite a lot, she says: 'I want mummy back, but where would you be?' and it just starts all these crazy thoughts.
"Just for me in general if I'm having a hard day, I feel like I have taken on their grief. I find it bizarre because I never knew their mum but sometimes you just have to get out the house and go for a walk."
Kate, who welcomed her son Cree, 15 months, in December 2020, went on to say she hasn't "mastered acceptance" of the children losing their mother and that navigating grief as a family "can feel like a mind field at times".
"I find it really tough with the children especially because it's so up and down," she continued. "I feel like when you expect it, you kind of build yourself up for certain days like anniversaries or Mother's Day.
"You expect it to be this super emotional day and then sometimes it may not be and it comes at times when you are really not expecting it.
"It's so tough, isn't it? It's so hard to support anyone who is grieving and it's really difficult to know when is the right time to speak to them.
"Sometimes I feel like we openly speak about their mum all the time, she's very present in our house. But I don't know when the right time might be to have a deep chat.
"If they seem really happy, I don't want to then talk about their mum and make them sad. We have our deepest chats on our walks and everything seems to come out."
Kate went on to detail how she struggles with the phrase 'step-mum' but doesn't know how to describe herself without "the children feeling uncomfortable because I'm not their mum".
She continued: "I was really worried when I was pregnant with Cree, or even before I had him, people didn't acknowledge me as a parent because I wasn't a biological parent.
"They often made me feel like "when you're a mum" and I already felt like a mum to a certain extent. I look after these kids everyday. I love them like they are my own. I adore them and actually nothing is different with Cree, apart from I was there from the early stages."
Rio and Rebecca married in 2009 - three years after they welcomed their first son, Lorenz. The family was hit by tragedy when Rebecca passed away from cancer in 2015.
Two years later, the former footballer found love with ex-TOWIE star Kate and they went on tie the knot in 2019 with Rio's son's Lorenz and Tate walking her down the aisle.
The television personality has since launched a podcast to discuss being part of a blended family in the hope it will help others going through similar situations.
