The Daily Show
Jon Stewart took his Daily Show seat for a special post-debate live show on Thursday night, appearing shellshocked. “We just watched what you just watched,” he lamented.
The host offered a play-by-play of the disappointing and concerning presidential debate, starting with the on-the-floor expectations. According to pundits, Donald Trump’s bar was simply: “Can’t you just pretend to be normal for 90 minutes?”
“How is that advice for a presidential debate and not what you would say to your parents when you bring home a date for the first time?” Stewart marveled, imagining the scene – “Can you not talk about January 6 and please don’t do your Asian voice!”
Joe Biden’s expectations, meanwhile, amounted to “stay alert, stay engaged and stay awake” or, as one commentator put it, “remain upright”.
“You know, I may be mistaken, but I believe those are the same qualifications needed to be scarecrow,” said Stewart. “Tonight the president must show our country that he can keep our corn safe.”
Stewart also mocked the format of the CNN debate, which offered each candidate two minutes to respond to a question and one minute each for rebuttal or response. Basically, time constraints that would “winnow out anything of interest or substance”, said Stewart.
With the stakes set, Stewart then looked into how each candidate performed. And the answer was … not good. To a clip of Biden stumbling through a nonsense sentence about “beating” Medicare, Stewart could only mutter: “I need to call a real estate agent in New Zealand.”
“OK, a high-pressure situation!” he conceded. “A lot of times you can confuse saving Medicare with … beating it. I’m sure it’s not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin. Anybody can fuck up talking.”
But it wasn’t just talking; Stewart played a montage of clips of Biden standing silently with his mouth open or appearing asleep. “Not great!” he said, flipping through his papers in frustration. “But a lot of people have resting 25th amendment face.”
“I’m not a political expert, but while Biden was preparing at Camp David for a week, did anyone mention he would also be on camera?” he added.
As for Trump, he “does not appear to have passed the asshole test”, said Stewart before a clip of Trump blustering about Biden’s presidency being the worst in US history. “Just so we’re all clear, everything that Donald Trump said in that clip is a lie,” said Stewart. “Blatant and full. And we were tight on time, putting this whole shit together – there’s plenty more.”
Stewart again took aim at the entire debate setup, prioritizing put-downs and burns over substance. “Who came up with these dumbass rules?! Any why would any of these people agree to them?” he wondered. “The one thing that we did prove tonight is that the Maga conspiracy theory about Biden’s upcoming debate performance was nonsense.”
That would be the theory propagated by Trump and Republicans that Biden would take a stimulant drug before the debates, to which Stewart could only say: “Both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs. As much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies can allow it.”
“If performance-enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems – and, in one of the candidate’s cases, improve their truthfulness, morality and malignant narcissism – then suppository away!” he continued. “They should be taking whatever magical drugs can kick their brain into gear, because this ain’t Olympic swimming.
“And by the way, if those drugs don’t exist, if there aren’t actually performance-enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure fucking use some recreational ones right now,” he concluded. “Because this cannot be real life. It just can’t.”
