The Daily Show
During his Monday night guest-hosting slot on the Daily Show, Jon Stewart did a “wellness check” on the war on Gaza, and noted that “as the war has grinded on, justice is beginning to look like cruelty”.
Stewart listed internationally accepted standards of conflict violated by Israel, such as weaponizing food, using Russia’s conduct in Ukraine as an example. “Weaponizing food in Ukraine is not kosher nor halal,” he said. “Sorry if I’m both sides-ing this. Speaking of which, there is a literal famine in Gaza caused by the war. I assume America will also consider this unconscionable?”
Stewart presented a series of clips featuring Biden administration officials John Kirby and Karine Jean-Pierre expressing only “concern” about Israel’s efforts to stifle the press in Gaza. “More journalists have been killed in Gaza in six months than anywhere else in the world, and a new Israeli law says they can ban media outlets they consider a threat,” he noted before another clip of Jean-Pierre expressing more “concern” over reports that the Israeli government was seeking to ban the news outlet Al-Jazeera.
“How about if it’s true, we condemn it?” Stewart wondered. “What about the bedrock rule of international law? No taking land by force. When Russia does it, we’re pretty clear,” he said, pointing to a recent speech by Biden condemning such actions.
“See, this is where Israel’s actions get interesting,” Stewart said. “Because you might say, Israel’s war is different from Ukraine’s, Israel is responding to an attack and hostage crisis. But in the midst of that, they pulled a little something in the West Bank on March 22 that might be notable,” he said, referring to Israel appropriating 2,000 acres of land in the occupied West Bank.
“That’s not even Gaza. That’s the West Bank,” Stewart argued. “So you can’t say this has anything to do with defending yourself against Hamas. Let’s see if America upholds its rule against taking land.” Cue a clip of secretary of state Anthony Blinken deferring any direct criticism of Israel’s land seizure. “Why do we tiptoe around on eggshells?” Stewart exclaimed. “The verbal gymnastics that the American government must undertake so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of a country we provide most of the weapons for is … yarghhhhh!”
Stewart continued: “Every time America tells the world that there’s something we won’t allow, Israel seems to say ‘challenge accepted’. Are they willfully trying to provoke us? Or perhaps they’re just reading our principles from right to left.”
He concluded by reiterating the death toll in Gaza since the war – 30,000 people, 13,000 of them children, and the strongest language from the US is “urging” Israel to be “as precise as they can be” with air strikes. Stewart had only one conclusion: “What the fuck are we doing here?”
“The subtext of all this is America knows this is wrong,” he added. “But apparently, it doesn’t seem to have the courage to say it in a straightforward manner.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert reacted to reactions to Monday’s solar eclipse, for which some airlines offered special flights to chase the path across the country. Colbert was confused about the window situation – “even if the plane does barrel rolls, what if you’re in the middle seat?” he wondered. “‘Could you just lean back a little, open the shade – no? OK, fine, well then I get to watch Napoleon.
“Of course an eclipse is always a good opportunity to ponder our place amongst the stars. It’s also a great time to see your pets go crazy,” he continued, referring to a rush of news reports on animal behavior tied to the eclipse, with CNN even placing a reporter in the Dallas Zoo.
But the “dumbest” eclipse coverage, Colbert argued, came from Fox News, which ran the chyron “Totality at the Southern Border”.
“Yes, immigrants in dark clothing are using the eclipse to sneak across the border. They won’t get another opportunity like that until night,” Colbert joked.
And “of course, Donald Trump had to make the eclipse all about himself” with a “bizarre” ad made by one of his fans of his head blocking the sun. “That is a helluva campaign message – ‘I will bring darkness upon the earth, blocking out all the life-giving warmth driving the animals to stark madness. Give me that ostrich egg, Daddy wants a giant McMuffin,’” Colbert joked.
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel mocked people lining up for eclipse glasses on the day of the event. “It was kinda nice to see people lined up at drug stores again for something other than toilet paper,” he said. “And now they’re all in the garbage. We have no use for them.”
Kimmel ordered some glasses for his family from Amazon – “I’m trusting that my eyeballs and the eyeballs of everyone in my family to the people who send me beard oil and wiper blades,” he joked.
“It was quite a sight – and if you’re excited about the eclipse and the sky turning totally black, wait till you hear about night time,” he added.
Kimmel also mocked a social media post from far-right lawmaker Marjorie Taylor Greene, who wrote: “God is sending America strong signs to tell us to repent … I pray that our country listens.”
“What makes this spectacular display of dim-bulbery interesting is that the epicenter of the earthquake in New Jersey that she thinks God made happen to warn us was literally on Donald Trump’s golf course,” Kimmel laughed. “God put it on the Tan Andreas fault to warn us.”
