On Thursday’s late night shows, hosts discussed Donald Trump’s visit by Xi Jinping, reports of China gifting two giant pandas to the US and news that the White House had lifted their press ban.
Jimmy Kimmel
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! the host discussed the overturning of Trump’s White House media ban, saying that journalists had now been reinstated whether the president likes it or not.
“At this point, the only thing more unwelcome in the Oval Office than CNN is a salad,” Kimmel joked.
“They’re like Trump and a beauty pageant dressing room: they’re going in anyway, they will not be stopped.”
The ruling came during the state visit from China’s Xi. Yesterday, Trump gave Xi a tour of the White House, showing him the gold decor and half-built ballroom as well as what he called “the most beautiful helipad ever”.
“There is really nothing that this man will not brag about,” laughed Kimmel, before impersonating Trump: “Guys, I know that gas is $6 a gallon, but look at how beautiful my helipad is.”
During a press conference at the White House Xi announced plans to send two giant pandas to the US as a gesture of goodwill. That’s a “very bad idea”, said the host. “If they send Trump pandas, he’s definitely going to eat them. Do these pandas come Express?”
Kimmel then turned to last night’s White House state dinner with guests including Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Sam Altman and Tim Cook – or, as the host put it, “everyone who’s ruining everything”.
“I don’t know why we can’t just lock the doors and build a moat around the place,” he added. “He invited all the kids who got picked last to play kickball.”
Starbucks is planning to close 250 American stores this week, or approximately 1% of their locations. “This is basically the corporate equivalent of having a mole removed,” said Kimmel before joking: “They’re down to six billion stores now.”
“So, if you’re a customer who regularly goes to one of the locations they’re closing, you’ll now be forced to go to the Starbucks right across the street.”
Seth Meyers
This week, Trump’s allies rushed to defend the president amid sky high gas prices and inflation rates, with the RNC chair insisting that the president needs more time to reverse the “mess” that Biden left the country in and senator Tommy Tuberville insisting that voters are willing to pay higher gas prices.
“You should tell them that!” said Meyers. “You should stand at a gas station and every time someone spends $120 to fill up their truck, just say, ‘That wasn’t so bad, right?’”
“See how long it takes before someone douses you in gasoline.”
Trump seems to care much more about his new White House helipad, triumphal arch, and ballroom renovations than high gas prices, the host went on. “Can you just build the shit you want without also making it sound like you’re the first guy smart enough to do it?”
“Do you think if Obama really wanted a helipad he couldn’t figure it out? His motto was ‘Yes, we can’ but on helipads he was like, ‘No, we can’t.’”
Trump was vague about the meetings he has been having with President Xi this week. “He doesn’t care about the issues or the details of the meetings,” Meyers said. “All he cares about is being best buds with Xi.”
The ban on journalists from the White House was also overturned this week after a judge found that it was put in place without “constitutionally adequate due process.”
“Yeah, no shit,” said Meyers. “Not only was it done without constitutionally adequate due process, Trump wouldn’t even be able to say the words ‘constitutionally adequate due process’.
“If somebody put the words ‘constitutionally adequate due process’ in his teleprompter, he might just resign.”
