Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump may have caught another lucky break,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Thursday evening, “thanks to this newly elected and soon to be reviled all around the world district attorney Alvin Bragg.”
Bragg, recently sworn in as the Manhattan district attorney, abruptly stopped the pursuit of an indictment against the former president for financial crimes following a years-long investigation. The shift prompted the resignation of a senior prosecutor on the investigation, Mark Pomerantz, who said in a resignation letter that he believed Trump was “guilty of numerous felony violations” and that it was “a grave failure of justice” not to pursue charges.
Pomerantz went on to say that prosecutors have evidence Trump falsified financial records - “he falsified hurricane records, of course he falsified financial ones,” Kimmel responded. “He’d falsify Don Jr’s birth certificate if he thought he could get his name off of it.”
“If they don’t move forward with the investigation,” he continued, “that means Trump has now been let off the hook by Congress twice, Robert Mueller once, he just won that case against Stormy Daniels – I’m starting to think the only one who can bring him to justice is the Batman.”
In other Trump news, the former president severed ties with one of his most loyal political lackeys, Representative Mo Brooks of Alabama, after Brooks told a campaign rally crowd to move on from the 2020 election.
“Mo Brooks was a leader on the 2020 election fraud and then, all of a sudden, during this big rally in Alabama, he went ‘woke’ and decided to drop everything he stood for,” Trump said in a statement.
“Mo Brooks was to Donald Trump what ingrown hairs are to armpits. They were like this,” Kimmel said, wrapping his fingers together. “Only the best people.”
Jimmy Fallon
On the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon mocked a group photo from the Nato emergency summit in Brussels. The “family photo” featuring the heads of state before a stone wall “looks like the sales team at a Honda dealership, doesn’t it?” said Fallon. “I’m expecting them to all say together ‘We’re ready to serve you!’
“It’s a very diverse group – there are suits of every color,” Fallon quipped. “That’s either a Nato summit or a conference for men who don’t know what to do with their arms photo.”
In other news, due to an ingredients shortage, General Mills has struggled to supply grocery stores with Totino’s pizza rolls and Pillsbury cookie dough. “It’s serious – as soon as he heard, Biden called Nato back for another emergency summit,” Fallon joked.
“Right now General Mills is like, ‘Hey but we still have plenty of Fiber One bars! Hello? Anyone?”
