Jimmy Kimmel
On Jimmy Kimmel Live, the host spoke about Joe Biden’s extension of America’s national emergency status, with Covid cases on the increase again. “At this point, Covid is like the Bachelor franchise: they announce a new variant before the old one’s wrapped up,” he said.
On Sean Hannity’s Fox show, Donald Trump called in to say that he would be handling the current crises better than Biden, focusing on Russian’s invasion of Ukraine. Kimmel said if he was in charge now, “he’d be throwing rolls of paper towels at Ukranian refugees”.
Hannity tried to, once again, get the former president on record against Putin, but he refused, instead bragging about their friendship. “There are bodybags on screen, [and] he’s bragging about the dudes he knows,” he said.
Trump then decided to talk about the danger of windmills and how they are currently killing eagles. “What is the deal with him and windmills?” Kimmel asked. “Did he have a traumatic mini gold experience as a child? Maybe that’s why his hair is like that?”
He added: “I feel like the hamster that powers his brain is getting tired right now.”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert spoke about the arrest of the subway shooting suspect, calling attention to Zack Tahhan, who spotted him on a security camera. “You hear that MTA, cameras work so much better when they work … at all,” Colbert said.
There is some dispute over who was the first to identify the suspect, leading to confusion over who would get the $50,000 reward. Allegedly the suspect himself might also have called. “That is gonna be an awkward award ceremony,” he joked.
Colbert then said it’s now fine to return to the subway. “It’s just as safe and clean as you remember,” he said.
Russian’s continued invasion of Ukraine has led Sweden and Finland to consider joining Nato. “It could be the most shocking Nordic alliance since black licorice joined forces with salt,” he said.
Netflix is one of many companies to stop service in Russia which has led to a class-action lawsuit from Russian users. “Then after a few hours, a screen popped up and said are you still suing and they said yes,” he said.
Colbert also spoke about the confusing names given to new Covid variants, a forgettable mixture of numbers and letters. “People would take these variants more seriously if you gave them cool names Big Bad Greg or No Good Gretchen,” he said.
Elon Musk has become the largest Twitter stakeholder, paying $2.89bn, and he celebrated by posting “a bunch of trolly nonsense” before offering to buy the entire platform for $43bn in cash.
“He could do so much with that money,” Colbert said. “Fix world hunger. Address climate change. Get a decent haircut.”
Musk wants to make Twitter a platform for free speech. “Twitter is already a platform for free speech across the globe!” C0lbert countered. “You know how I know that? Because no one can stop me from tweeting suck it Elon Musk in every language.”
Trevor Noah
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah also spoke about Musk and his desire to buy Twitter shares at $54.20, a cannabis joke.
“That’s how you know that you’re too rich,” he said. “When you’re spending an extra few million dollars just to slip a weed joke into your takeover bid.”
Elon Musk offered to pay $54.20 per share to buy Twitter. You know you’re rich when you can spend an extra few million to slip a weed joke into your takeover bid. pic.twitter.com/6CSsaf2NZl
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) April 15, 2022
He added: “We already knew he was high when he said he would unlock Twitter’s full potential.”
Noah also refuted the claim that Twitter wasn’t already all it can be. “I thought Twitter was unlocked?” he said. “Is there an unlocked version I don’t know about?”
He added: “Never once have I logged on to Twitter and gone I just wish this place would let loose. People really hold back on here, all nuanced and shit.”
