Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel celebrated the unofficial national holiday of Spotify Wrapped on Wednesday, as Spotify users across the nation learned their listening habits of the year. “These Spotify year-end wrap-ups are somehow more embarrassing than your porn search history,” he joked. “My top five artists qualified me for the senior discount at Ihop this year. If I show my pharmacist my top five, they give me Lipitor without a prescription.”
The most globally streamed artist of the year was, unsurprisingly, Taylor Swift, who is rumored to have moved into new beau Travis Kelce’s Kansas City home after a moving truck was spotted outside his house. Meanwhile, no video footage exists of the White House Christmas tree falling over from a gust of wind.
“Three hundred million iPhones in this country, not one of them was pointed at the White House at 5pm,” Kimmel marveled. “A moving truck outside of Travis Kelce’s house? That they got, no problem. A 40ft tree almost falling on the White House? Nothing. This is why nobody believes in UFOs, by the way.”
This is just the latest White House Christmas tree mishap, as the 2021 tree had to be removed because of a fungal disease. “By the way, fungal disease, knocked over by a gust of wind – also a great way to describe the last two presidents of this country,” Kimmel quipped.
In congressional news, the disgraced New York lawmaker George Santos is set to be removed from Congress by a vote, which the House speaker, Mike Johnson, described as a “vote of conscience”.
“Most House Republicans were like, ‘what the hell? What is that?’” Kimmel quipped. “Back to living at Mom’s in New Jersey, I guess.”
And Joe Biden plans to email more than 800,000 Americans to let them know their student loans have been forgiven, “if he can remember the password to his Hotmail account”, Kimmel joked. “Why he would do this via email, I don’t know. You don’t forgive big student loans in an email. You go to the people’s houses with balloons and a giant check. You make a show of it. It’s an election year! Use your head, for God’s sake.”
The Daily Show
If we let you stay in Congress, you have to start bringing us better tea, George Santos! @michelleisawolf pic.twitter.com/koJu4f7mMl
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) November 30, 2023
Santos is about to be the sixth person ever kicked out of Congress, which he said is unfair because “everyone else is corrupt too”, explained the guest host Michelle Wolf on the Daily Show.
“Which, yeah. Definitely. We know the government is corrupt and all these guys are doing the same things you do, George,” she continued. “The difference is, they’re doing it way better than you. It’s so easy to figure out your crimes. It’s not even fun! It’s like doing an escape room in a gazebo.”
Wolf added that she believed Santos: “I do believe that congressmen are getting drunk, sleeping with lobbyists and profiting as much as possible at the expense of the people. We all know that already. What we don’t know are the specifics. Tell us who, what, where, which orifice. We need you, George! Snitch, snitch, my sweater-vested friend.
“If you want to survive this expulsion vote,” she added, “maybe try, just try, to take one photo where you don’t look like you were caught while committing a crime.”
