Late-night hosts talk the Michigan primaries, Donald Trump’s steep fraud penalties and Joe Biden’s visit to the US border in Texas on Thursday.
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel took the stage in Los Angeles as polls closed in the Michigan primaries, though the results were a foregone conclusion. “This primary election cycle has all the suspense of an episode of Blue’s Clues,” he said. “The only question tonight was by how many points will Nikki Haley lose this one.
“The real contest in Michigan is who is running the voting for Michigan,” he added, as two different people claiming to be the chair of the state Republican party scheduled dueling events. “Remember when they released two competing Fyre festival documentaries at the same time? It’s like a dumber version of that,” Kimmel explained.
One of the chairs, Kristina Karamo, was voted out last month after Trump made it clear he wanted her gone. “She refused to accept the results of the election – gee, I wonder where she got that idea?” Kimmel noted.
In other Trump news, the former president will visit the US border in Texas on Thursday, at the same time that Joe Biden visits on official business. “And if they can get two more senior citizens to go with them, they got themselves a pickleball matchup,” Kimmel joked.
“The president is going to see what can be done to solve the border crisis,” while “Trump is going to make sure he doesn’t solve what’s happening at the border,” he added. “Biden is planning to meet with US border agents, while Trump is planning to sell golden high-tops on the streets of Juárez.”
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert taped the Late Show before the polls closed in Michigan, but had words of encouragement for Haley: “Nikki Haley, win or lose, keep doing whatever it is you think that is. Fascinating to watch,” he joked.
Colbert then turned to Trump, who has about a month to raise half a billion dollars to pay his fraud judgments. But the more immediate financial threat to Trump is the $83.3m he owes for his defamation of E Jean Carroll – Trump must post 110% of the verdict, or $91m, in a cash bond by 9 March. “You know the old saying: March comes in like a lion and goes out like a bankrupt sexual predator,” Colbert quipped.
Trump’s legal team has tried numerous arguments to get out of the payments, the “craziest” one being that he shouldn’t have to post a bond at all because he’s “too rich”.
“You can’t argue with that logic – ‘oh also, your honor, I shouldn’t have to go to jail because I’m too guilty,’” Colbert deadpanned.
The judge rejected the argument, “after he stopped laughing”, he added.
The host also touched on the controversial Alabama ruling that IVF embryos constitute a “person”, thus freezing fertility treatments in the statement. “This surprised a lot of people,” said Colbert of the dramatic interpretation of “fetal personhood”, “and proved beyond a doubt that Republicans do not know what children are”.
The Alabama court ruling follows 14 other “fetal personhood” bills introduced in state legislatures in 2023, which have already taken effect in Georgia and Missouri. “On the bright side, if you’re a pregnant woman driving in Missouri, you can now use the carpool lane … to drive out of Missouri,” Colbert joked.
Seth Meyers
Joe Biden told reporters that he’s optimistic about a ceasefire in Gaza by next week. “and this was awkward – while I was eating ice cream”, said Late Night host Seth Meyers, in reference to his interview with the president on Monday.
Meanwhile, Trump is set to visit the US-Mexico border on Thursday, “I’m guessing to make a break for it?” Meyers joked.
Trump has reportedly been working to build up his campaign funding. “Yeah, I bet. Pretty soon he’s going to start selling official Mar-a-Lago copper wiring,” Meyers laughed. “Being a Trump donor now must be such a bummer. It’s like having a 16-year-old dog – he’s costing you a fortune, he doesn’t really do anything and it seems like he hates being alive.”
And the fast-food chain Wendy’s announced it will experiment with a new surge pricing menu next year. “So a burger may cost a dollar more during the lunch rush, and $40 more at 3am,” Meyers explained. “We know you want it! Where else you gonna go?”
