Jimmy Kimmel
With Seth Meyers on vacation, Jimmy Fallon visiting fellow Jimmy (Kimmel) in LA, and Stephen Colbert out with a ruptured appendix, only Kimmel had a network monologue on Monday night following the Thanksgiving holiday.
Kimmel acknowledged Cyber Monday, the day of the year’s best online shopping deals, or a holiday for “those who lack the combat training to shop on Black Friday”, he joked. “Kids have no idea how easy they have shopping now. Not even 10 years ago, if you wanted a new PlayStation, your mom had to go to Kohl’s in the middle of the night and fight another mother for it.”
He then focused on Marjorie Taylor Greene, a favorite target as one of the most far-right and conspiracy theory addled lawmakers in Congress, who “is taking a break from burning books to write one”. Greene went on X, formerly known as Twitter, after Kimmel mocked her debut book, MTG, on his show. “Since most of your show content is your nonstop lies about me, why don’t you have me on your show?” she asked of Kimmel, and promised to bring a copy of her book as well as advice on how to “SAVE AMERICA!”
“I guess I’m a Hollywood libtard who’s part of the celebrity pedophile Satan club until she has a book to promote, then I’d love to swing by!” Kimmel observed. “This woman called the police on me for a joke, and now she wants to be the guest on my show.”
Kimmel admitted that “part of me wants to invite her here so I can let her wait for an hour down in the green room doing power squats and then bump her. Even just to screw Matt Damon, it would be fun. But I also don’t want rabies, so.”
And in other congressional news, the disgraced New York representative George Santos could be removed from Congress as early as today after an ethics investigation found that he misused campaign funds in a variety of ways. “They’re skipping the vote and going straight to the Heimlich to get rid of him,” Kimmel joked.
“Santos said if he is removed from Congress he will wear it like a badge of honor, right next to his Medal of Freedom and his Purple,” he added. “But one thing he will not do is go quietly into the night.”
On a radio show, Santos called himself “the Mary Magdalene of the United States Congress” who’s being “stoned” because it’s “politically expedient”.
“Also because of the whole stealing credit card numbers to pay for OnlyFans thing,” said Kimmel, “but, yeah, Mary Magdalene sounds better.”
The Daily Show
Congrats creeps, if you didn't get a sexual assault lawsuit this weekend, you're in the clear! @michelleisawolf pic.twitter.com/gHo6xms1ee
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) November 28, 2023
On The Daily Show, guest host Michelle Wolf discussed a rash of sexual assault lawsuits filed in New York last week as the deadlined closed for the state’s Adult Survivors Act. The law, which lifted the statute of limitations on civil suits for sexual assault for a year, expired on Friday.
In the days and hours leading up to the deadline, suits were filed against such famous figures as New York mayor Eric Adams, actor Jamie Foxx, Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose and music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs. Combs denied the allegations of violent assaults by former longtime girlfriend Cassie, then settled within a day.
“Now look: obviously a lawsuit is not proof of anything, but Diddy did settle pretty quickly,” said Wolf. “I mean, one day later he was signing that check like, ‘I strongly deny any allegations against me, 30 million, there you go.’”
With the law’s expiration, Wolf had a message to those not hit with a lawsuit: “Congrats, creeps! If you didn’t get a lawsuit this weekend, you’re in the clear!”
“But like, why is there a deadline for rape victims, you know?” she continued. “Right after Thanksgiving, too. Makes me feel a little like the greasiest Black Friday email ever – ‘Act fast! You only have two hours to get justice for the worst day of your life. File a lawsuit today and get a free tote!’”
