Jimmy Kimmel
Late-night hosts tried to make sense of Donald Trump’s many ongoing trials on Wednesday evening, starting with his son Don Jr’s testimony in the New York civil fraud trial. “Here’s the thing about Don Jr – what he lacks in intelligence, he also lacks in charisma,” said Jimmy Kimmel.
The former president’s eldest son will finish his testimony on Thursday, followed by his second son, Eric, “and then Trump will claim he never met either one of them”, Kimmel joked.
“Trump was not there in person to support his sons – he had a Halloween party to host,” he continued. “But he did lash out at a judge on Truth Social,” posting “leave my children alone!”
“One thing you do have to hand to the Trumps – they stick together,” said Kimmel. “Whether they’re running a fake university or a phoney charitable organization, or just burying their mother on a golf course. They are a unified front.”
The New York court date was one of many for the former president, including a simultaneous session in Florida. “Never has a team of attorneys racked up more billable hours that they will not ever get paid for than this group,” Kimmel joked of his staff.
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert opened with the defining political rumor of our time: speculation that the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, wears height-boosting inserts in his signature cowboy boots. “Cowboy boots are great – if you’re a cowboy,” Colbert said. “If you’re the governor of Florida, you look like a dork. Nobody believes he’s ropin’ dogies in Tampa, even though Dogie Style is Tampa’s No 1 strip club.”
Several shoe experts have commented that DeSantis’s boots bear the hallmarks of inserts, namely pointed-up toes, as his heels are too far back in the shoe.
“Governor, are you wearing lifts, or are your toes just happy to see me?” Colbert joked. “If he’s not wearing lifts, he needs to get better boots. If he is wearing lifts, why are you wearing lifts?! You’re wearing cowboy boots – you’re lifted already!”
He then pivoted to Donald Trump’s many legal woes: two federal criminal trials, two federal civil trials and one state civil fraud trial. The pressure has clearly gotten to the former president, as he took to Truth Social to blast a New York judge in the early hours of the morning.
“Like a totally not worried person would do, Trump wrote this attack on the judge at 2.28am,” Colbert said. “Because nothing says ‘I’m not thinking about you’ like posting at two in the morning. It’s like a guy posting a gym selfie with the caption ‘pumpin’ the iron at midnight, I don’t miss you, Brenda, say hi to the kids because the judge says I can’t.’”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers looked into the real value of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate as part of his civil fraud trial. The ex-president has said that the judge devalued the Florida property, and that people value it 50 to 100 times more, “which makes no sense”, said Meyers.
“There’s not that much mystery to the value of a home,” he continued. “Let’s say you have a house, and you paid a million for it five years ago. I can tell you what it’s worth now: a little more than a million. Mar-a-Lago is valued at $18m and Trump said someone told him it was $100m or more. Zillow that shit, dude.
“It’s Palm Beach – you know it’s not the only tacky swamp castle in the area. Get some comps!” he joked. “Find another 18-bedroom hotel and see what that’s going for. And what that is worth is what yours is worth, minus whatever the buyer subtracts because the bathrooms are filled with fucking boxes” of classified documents.
As part of his fraud defense, Trump has cited his own company’s “buyer beware” clause in financial documents. “It says ‘go out and do you own research,’” said Trump outside his trial. “Go out and due your own due diligence. You have to study the statement carefully. Do not believe anything.”
“Interesting. Is that disclaimer also on the podium at your rallies?” Meyers wondered. “It’s not a bad disclaimer for Trump to use. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how he ended his wedding vows – ‘To have and to hold as long as we both may live. And also, those are just words. Do your own research.’”
