Bafta-winning actor Jason Watkins and his wife Clara say they are still "haunted" by questions 11 years after the death of their two-year-old daughter. The 60-year-old actor admits he still blames himself for Maude's death, while his wife is angry she was so accepting of what the doctors were saying during two hospital visits.
The couple have opened up about the tragic death from sepsis before, but not in the same depth as they have for a new TV documentary that has been produced by ITV Wales Cymru. Little Maudie was just two-and-a-half when she died suddenly in the early hours of New Year's Day 2011. Like a lot of children in the winter, she had what they thought was a simple chest infection.
She was discharged from A&E and given some steroids and antibiotics and sent home, but by the afternoon of New Year's Eve her condition had worsened.
Jason says in the ITV documentary, Jason & Clara: In Memory of Maudie: "She was floppy and pale and her eyes were rolling into her head. This was not something we were expecting at all. We were terrified so we drove back to the hospital. I ran in to triage, and they said it was croup. The paediatric doctor came in and said they thought she was doing better and that her temperature was falling. We were in the world of things should be OK and for the second time she was discharged from A&E."
What went undetected was that Maudie had sepsis, a condition where the body’s immune system overreacts to an infection, causing it to go into overdrive and attack the body's tissues and organs. The morning after being discharged for a second time, their older daughter Bessie came in to tell her parents she couldn't wake Maude. For more stories about TV programmes, sign up to our newsletter
"I went into her room," remembers Jason. "And I saw her on the cot and she was lying flat and there was a trickle of blood that had dried by the side of her mouth so I knew she had died straightaway."
Clara asks: "How can you go to sleep one night and have a child who has a bit of a bad cold and croup, and then wake up the next morning and your child is dead?"
During their first joint therapy meeting with a counsellor, Clara said: "I think about that car journey to the hospital (for the second visit) in depth. I can still feel the weight of her on my lap. When people talk of the trauma, I think that that will be the day we found her dead but actually going through that car journey, I hadn't really done it.
"I do feel that if I had been a different type of person I could have said 'No, I want you to keep her in tonight'."
She told GMB presenters Susannah Reid and Adil Ray that while her "instincts" were telling her otherwise, she felt "reassured" by doctors when they said her daughter would be fine.
She said: 'I believe sepsis is a secondary illness so she had flu and she had a rasping cough and we were very reassured, we went to the hospital and were sent home twice and I think at that stage before your child dies, you believe what you're told when a doctor tells you.
"I was incredibly reassured because my instinct was she's really not well but if they're telling me she's okay and sending her home and haven't asked to keep her overnight then it's fine."
Jason agrees in the documentary: "That is the awful hand we have been dealt. Did I do everything I could have done as a parent? I can still feel me trying to breathe my breath into her but it wasn't working."
That is the question that has both haunted and driven the couple over the past 11 years. Jason admits that it is "still difficult" to talk about his daughter's death, but he and Clara are determined to raise awareness of sepsis and want to speak out to give hope to other bereaved parents.
The documentary, that has been produced by ITV Cymru Wales for ITV1, follow Jason and Clara as they prepare to move from the flat where Maudie was born, lived and died. They feel that the the time is right to tell their story and explore their grief in a bid to help others.
"This is where Maude was born. I had her at home, and it is also where she died. Even after 11 years, it is still shocking," says Clara as she helps her husband to pack up some of their belongings.
Allowing the cameras to follow their personal journey, the couple have therapy together for the first time and meet other parents who have lost their children, in a bid to break taboos around talking about child bereavement.
Jason, who has starred in W1A and The Crown, says: “I do feel apprehensive, I do think it’s a delicate thing and I think, ‘Are we doing the right thing?’ But it does feel something to be shared and it can help us and other people.”
Clara adds: “It’s about breaking down the taboo of child loss. It’s so grim and unspeakable, people don’t know what to say. People don’t know how to act around you, but, also, I want to talk about Maudie and people will know that she’s here.”
As the couple begin to pack up their home and prepare to move, they talk about Maudie. Jason, who also narrates the film, says: “My memories of Maude are that she was such a happy child and very wise and very, kind of, centred. It’s strange because she was only two-and-a-half. She used to play hide and seek. She used to love hide and seek.” Clara: “She was just joyful. A really joyful child and I just feel so sad that I’ll never see her grow up.”
One of the most difficult parts for Jason was going back to the mortuary where Maud's body was taken. "It is the ugliest building you have ever seen," says Jason. "This is the most difficult bit because I have this thing about her being on her own when she left the house in the black ambulance. I know it seems macabre but my sharing it, it unburdens me a bit and it is saying she existed and she is alive. Not where she is now.
"I still think I should have been with her when she went from the mortuary to the hospital as I think of her being alone on that journey."
The documentary also explores how difficult it is to detect sepsis, a condition called the 'silent killer' that kills around five people every hour in the UK. At the time of Maude's death Jason had never heard of it and during the show he visits King’s College Hospital, London, to meet Professor Akash Deep who is running a ground-breaking training programme to teach doctors and nurses how to spot the signs of sepsis.
The Professor lost his own mum to sepsis that had gone undiagnosed and it is a reminder of how hard it is to diagnose. He tells Jason: "As a son I failed her. I was there as a person who knew everything about sepsis."
In the film, Clara talks about the days following Maude’s death and how a friend of hers has stored Maude’s belongings for her because she couldn’t face packing them away.
The couple also talk about their involvement in a support group for bereaved parents and that Clara is now trained to run sessions there. Plus Jason meets up with two dads who have connected with him online after also losing their daughters to sepsis.
Dr Ron Daniels, Founder and Joint CEO of UK Sepsis Trust says that the story is a "harrowing" reminder that sepsis can be indiscriminate and can strike people of any age.
He says: "This important documentary highlights how vital it is that everyone is aware of sepsis, the danger signs to look for and how and when to seek medical help urgently. We know that telling the story will save other young lives, and for that we are enormously indebted."
Matthew Tune, director and executive producer, ITV Cymru Wales said: “This is by far the most personal and at times visceral documentary I've ever worked on. But that's thanks to Jason and Clara's bravery and determination to give a true and honest account of their grief, we have an incredibly emotionally charged and insightful film, that will highlight sepsis and challenge taboos around child bereavement.”
Terence Canning, Welsh executive director for UK Sepsis Trust, who lost his own brother to sepsis, added: “Having suddenly lost my own brother to sepsis in 2012, a condition I had not previously heard of, I know the devastating impact this life-threatening condition can have on a family. I am extremely grateful to Jason and Clara for their bravery in sharing Maudie’s story and to ITV Cymru Wales for giving them the platform to do so.”
Jason and Clara's main hope from taking part in the documentary is to offer hope out of so much pain. They say: “Maude’s loss can save lives. Sharing her story and what happened and our story, that we offer hope for families, for parent’s that have lost children, that’s what I want Maude’s memory to do.”
Clara says: "My drive throughout my grief has always been to offer hope, because I think that without hope, I just don't know if there is a future for something. You have to know that life is going to get better."
* Jason & Clara: In Memory of Maudie will be broadcast on ITV1 on Thursday, March 30 at 9pm.
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