Susie Orbach’s opinion piece (We are all vulnerable: that’s where a new conversation about masculinity begins, 10 February) gets right to the point. Men need to reset their relationship with masculinity. Power, privilege and prestige – the perks of traditional manhood – have distracted men from embracing vulnerability and inclusivity as strengths.
Masculinity is a construct that can be imagined, reimagined and reshaped over generations. In itself, it is not toxic. Many traditional behaviours associated with masculinity are quite lovely and appreciated. It’s extremism that makes masculinity toxic.
In our organisation, the Men’s Center for Growth and Change, we call on men to open their hearts, expand their emotional skills and teach these to their sons and daughters. In our research, we discovered that close male friendships enhance men’s health, their partner relationships, their parenting and their work performance.
It can’t be overstated how important it is for men to embrace these changes now, for our own wellbeing and for the future of our children and our planet. I hope we will all heed Orbach’s call to join women, along with others from diverse and marginalised backgrounds, to create a more humane and equitable society.
Rob Garfield
Author, Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship
• “Vulnerability … as an aspect of strength” is a contradiction that lies at the heart of how to engage with crises in masculinity. For men to be, and to be seen to be, vulnerable, uncertain, unclear, thoughtful, suggestive and individual, instead of strong, certain, clear, decisive and action-oriented, has long been a limitation on our ability to be fully human. There is a fear of being hesitant and unsure. But it can also be liberating, turning away from the risks associated with certainty and embracing thoughtfulness and consideration.
The risks are not just in gender-based individuality, but in work-based cultures, such as corporations and public institutions, where uncertainty is regarded as a weakness for the organisation that must become more “efficient”. Maybe the most efficient way to improve our lives is to be more considerate, to feel and reflect before deciding and acting, both individually and collectively.
Cahal McLaughlin
Kearney, County Down
• Recent history has seen a movement towards reframing masculinity and femininity as social constructs rather than genetic imperatives. Once one is open to such a framing, this makes it possible to imagine alternative social constructs that are not as harmful to women as the historic framing which still blights so much of our social interaction.
When men see masculinity as a social construct, this makes them more open to seeing how that construct does not serve them, but harms them, albeit in different ways from how it harms women. For vulnerable men tempted to double down on their masculinity, this offers a more fruitful approach to take, as it leads to the recognition that men and women need to work together to build new and better social constructs, even if only in their individual relationships. Such collaboration would, I imagine, also lead to a reduction in complaints of involuntary celibacy.
Miles Doubleday
Halton, Lancashire
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