It's no secret that life can be challenging sometimes, and when it comes to grief, we all experience it differently. Sometimes, simply managing to put one foot in front of the other or to keep showing up is a cause to feel proud. And for some people, looking for hope is the best way to heal their heartbreak.
Author, artist, educator and coach Katie Carr has, sadly, experienced bereavement too many times, and at too young an age. But she found a way to turn the loss of her brother Toby into the start of an exciting new adventure, as she tells us here.
"Three months before his death, I interviewed my brother for a podcast. ‘If you want to do something, the time is now,’ he said, an attitude that sprang from a lifetime adapting to loss," says Katie.
"In 1988, when I was 11, our brother Marcus, nine, and Toby, just six, our mum, Bron, developed a viral brain injury from which she never recovered. She woke up one morning confused and was never the same again. Mum’s still alive today, but she wouldn’t recognise me in the street.
"A few years later, Marcus and Toby were diagnosed with Fanconi anaemia – a rare and life-limiting genetic illness that leads to bone marrow failure and various cancers – and told they’d be lucky to live to 30.
"We reacted by doing everything we could today in case it wasn’t possible tomorrow. Marcus became a GP and travelled the world, Toby was an architect and keen sea kayaker, and I went to live and work in Spain."
"Then our dad died suddenly in 2010. Seven years later, Marcus died of throat cancer. The grief Toby and I shared was terrible, but we each had a counterbalance of joy. My first son had just been born and my brother set off on a sea voyage of discovery.
"Toby decided to kayak in each of the 31 areas in the BBC Radio 4 Shipping Forecast, the weather for the seas around the British Isles. The sea was a constant, soothing sound in our home as kids, and we knew what it meant because we had our own boat."
"In 2018, I adapted to motherhood as Toby set off on his adventure and the happiest, most exhilarating time of his life. He covered two-thirds of the shipping forecast areas, but by late 2020 he grew exhausted and knew that something was wrong. After months of tests, he was diagnosed with incurable liver cancer in summer 2021.
"The news hit me like a blow: I was going to lose Toby just like I’d lost Marcus.
"If you want to do something, the time is now"
"That November, Toby landed a book deal to write about his kayak challenge, but he knew he wouldn’t live to finish it.
"By New Year’s Day 2022 he could barely walk, and asked for help into his kayak for one last paddle. He died a week later and all I had left was my memories – and Toby’s records of his adventures."
Katie used Toby's notes to write the story of his quest to sea kayak the areas of the Shipping Forecast, starting in South East Iceland and making his way down the western seaboard of Europe. It's both an epic adventure – sometimes choppy, constantly moving – and a personal voyage of discovery that includes old friends and new, plenty of wildlife, and the ever-present sea.
Katie has now written a memoir, available to pre-order now ahead of its release in May 2026. Moving between the wild edges of the British Isles and the everyday realities of motherhood in Barcelona, it explores grief, a difficult family past and midlife reinvention, with honesty, flashes of humour and an eye for the small moments that keep people going.
"I decided to write Toby’s book for him. Even if it didn’t sell, it would help my kids to remember their amazing uncle. Toby had made masses of notes and voice recordings, including conversations with friends and loved ones along the way. I pieced it all together, although hearing his voice and reading his thoughts brought tears to my eyes.
"Then writing the book began to feel like having an extra year with my brother at the very best time of his life. Sharing his exploits and his love of nature worked like therapy. The book wasn’t really about kayaking – it was about life and loss."
Once the book was published, Katie said she had "one more thing to finish for Toby – the 10 areas left in his shipping forecast challenge. Only I’ll do it my way, safely and learning as I go. I started in the Bristol Channel, then moved to Wales – and felt a closeness to nature I’m determined not to lose."
Katie did indeed finish the challenge, completing her last paddle in July 2024, in Shetland, before raising Toby's flag from a rock stack.
She says, "I hope finishing the challenge and the book show that even in the depths of grief, it’s possible to turn loss into something beautiful."
This article first appeared in the October 2023 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
