Every year, Katie Harris lights a candle to remember her baby daughter Abikara. The little girl was one of twins, and although Karael survived, Abikara sadly died at 24 weeks and was stillborn.
Today, Katie said she still finds it hard when people ask how many children she has. “It just feels like I have two children and nobody talks about Abikara. I find that really difficult," she said.
“Going through life day-to-day, it makes certain questions really tough. If you meet people for the first time and they ask how many children you have.
"It’s a dilemma and I’ve got to explain and that’s really awkward. But then if I don’t it’s like an internal battle with yourself, like you are denying your baby or making it uncomfortable for other people.”
Together with thousands of families across the UK, Katie will mark Baby Loss Awareness Week, which runs until Saturday. And she has bravely shared her story to help other families facing a journey of bereavement and parenthood.
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“For me, Baby Loss Awareness Week is the one week of the year where you can talk about baby loss and people are receptive to it," said Katie, 38. "We light a candle in front of a frame with Abikara’s date of birth, her weight and date of gestation on it."
The Bournemouth mum discovered she was pregnant with twins in September 2020. After experiencing morning sickness and bleeding, an early scan showed she was having twins.
Doctors said the babies were non-identical and Katie was told it was the safest type of twin pregnancy. She was scanned every four weeks, compared to fortnightly if doctors had thought the twins been identical.
But when Katie had her 20-week scan, sonographers were unsure about the non-identical diagnosis. Katie, who lives in Boscombe, said: “The sonographer didn’t think it had been diagnosed as the right kind of pregnancy.
"She felt it was identical twins. They asked for a fetal medicine doctor to review my scan. They had concerns about blood flow and the growth of twin two.”
Katie was referred St George’s Hospital in London, where the Twins Trust Centre for Research and Clinical Excellence is based. At the time doctors feared the twins might have Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) - a rare but life-threatening condition which affects 10-15% of identical twins that share a placenta.
Katie said: “Doctors at St George’s Hospital confirmed they were identical twins. They explained that the insertions of umbilical cords were really close together.
“They thought the egg had split so late. They said if it had been a day or so later, they would have been conjoined twins.
“They said the twins didn’t have TTTS and we were booked in for weekly reviews at St George’s. Both twins were at risk because of the blood flow being restricted because of the close cord insertions.”
Katie’s pregnancy continued and doctors were less concerned until she was back at hospital with reduced movements. And at 24 weeks and four days, the family were told Abikara had sadly died.
On hearing the news, "it felt as though time had stopped", said Katie. She added: "I will never forget that surreal moment where my biggest fear was confirmed.
"Knowing my baby’s heart had stopped and not knowing what that would mean for my survivor was terrifying and heartbreaking. I lay awake all night in the hospital trying to process what I had been told and what might happen next.
"My survivor twin was the baby they were initially worried about. I had weekly scans after this and was monitored and had lots of contact with the hospital. I carried both twins until 36 weeks and two days.”
Katie gave birth at Poole Hospital in Dorset on April 13, 2021. “I had a surviving baby and a stillborn," she said.
“The thing that’s very different when you do have a twin loss, especially with a surviving twin, is that people’s attitudes are almost like, ‘well you’ve still got one.’ A lot of people said to me that I had to stay positive for the other baby.
“Somebody said it was very sad about the one baby but they imagined it would have been very hard with two babies. Baby loss is a taboo subject and people don’t know what to do with it.
“It has definitely opened my eyes to how difficult people do find it and they try to find something positive in it. They don’t know what to say so they find something to say.”
At her time of both celebration and darkness, Katie turned to Twins Trust Bereavement Service. She discovered an extended family there to support her through the tough times.
“Twins Trust felt like a lifeline to me," she said. "To finally be able to connect with other people who truly understood and felt my pain, and the complexity of having a loss and a survivor helped me feel less alone.
“Having somewhere safe to vent and share my feelings on a hard day would make that day feel more manageable. Being able to connect with other parents via the virtual meetings was lovely. Although sad, it felt great to be able to talk about Abikara so openly in a safe place with other people who just got it.”
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