Well, here we are on the very first day of a brand new year. There has to be something auspicious about that. A good day to purchase lottery tickets with a few number ones perhaps?
I trust everyone is holding up well. It can be a rather gruelling time wearing silly paper hats, pretending to enjoy singing Christmas songs and behaving in a jovial fashion when you probably do not feel jovial at all. I'm beginning to sound like Ebenezer Scrooge, although I'm not sure how "Bah, Humbug!" translates into Thai.
We've just about scraped though the Year of the Tiger and are now at the mercy of the Rabbit, which at least has a cuddly feel to it. Alas one suspects the coming year will be anything but cuddly and we could all end up disappearing down the proverbial rabbit hole.
It is customary for newspaper columnists to make predictions about what is in store in the coming 12 months. Let's just hope it's a bit more cheery for Thailand than the past year. There will inevitably be entertaining tales of crookery featuring influential persons and regular front page news that leaves you scratching your head. We can also expect assorted crackdowns, contradictions and cock-ups. Whatever happens we could be in for another amazing year.
So here are Crutch's forecasts for Thailand in 2023 culled from a motley variety of unreliable sources, gossipmongers, babblers, boasters, bluffers, prattlers and tittle tattlers:
January: To celebrate Year of the Rabbit leading Thai chefs bake the Biggest Rabbit Pie in History. A Miss Cottontail beauty contest is held for ladies nicknamed "Grad-tai". Highlighting the show is celebrated crooner King Carrot and the Bunnymen singing his smash hit "Hopping Mad". Throughout the show the legendary Buri Ram Dancing Bunnies perform the latest dance craze, the Isan Hip-Hop.
February: After its impressive performance during November's Apec summit, Nuan the Cat is appointed "Chief Mouser" at Thailand's Government House. Following in the footsteps of her fellow feline Larry at 10 Downing Street, Nuan opens a Twitter account so she can make pertinent observations on the Government's performance. Her first tweet is "If I don't get more tuna and salmon treats I'm quitting and joining Larry in London."
March: The little-known Thai production Red Light District wins a special mention at the Academy Awards. It's a suspense-filled drama set in the unusual location of a major Bangkok traffic intersection on a Friday afternoon. Will the couple in the Toyota be able to get through the traffic lights before the 90-minute production ends? Very realistic, although the slow motion sequences are a little unnecessary. Entertaining cameo featuring Sgt Nop pushing a stalled samlor.
April: A bid by Edith Clampton (Mrs) to become Donald Trump's running mate is dismissed after it is pointed out to her that she has no American ancestry. It had been rumoured that the former President would have been impressed by Edith's enthusiastic promotion of portable potties and her intolerance of "scruffy people".
May: Bangkok's celebrated mass of cables known as "Sky Spaghetti" wins top prize in an international "Unbelievable Art" contest sponsored by Mad magazine. One judge describes the cables as an "absolutely mind-boggling visual experience." He suggests the cables be preserved as a World Heritage site.
June: Following their success as the backing group for last year's hit "Nakhon Nowhere Style" the Klong Toey Stray Dogs Choir release their own number "Where Are Our Biscuits?" The video proves a big hit and includes a highly acclaimed performance by the world's only troupe of synchronized dancing buffaloes.
July: Police announce a "major development" in their pursuit of the fugitive known as "Boss". The constabulary remain tight-lipped on details, but according to leaks the accused is believed to be "somewhere in Europe, Asia or the United States". A committee is set up to look into the matter.
August: Bar owners in Bangkok agree to allow all dancing rodents and cockroaches one day off a week to meet Labour Department requirements. But goldfish will still be on duty seven days a week.
September: In the least surprising news of the year Noise Awareness Day is a total flop in Bangkok. Matters are not helped when the Massed Brass Band of Pratunam Market Vendors, featuring out-of-tune trumpets, take to the streets for their annual parade.
October: A snap general election is announced following a mass defection led by the Always Changing Sides Party. A spokesman said the party took this step "as a matter of ethics". Another breakaway group is the Snoring For Democracy Party believed to be pursuing votes of officials transferred to inactive posts. This leaves the Samlor Drivers Liberation Front as the only effective opposition party.
November: Following a sharp dip in temperatures the election is postponed because it is "too cold" to vote. An official explains that the Thai electorate cannot be expected to think rationally if the temperature drops below 20C.
December: A leading international dictionary names "farang" as word of the year. Apparently its use has soared dramatically after it was recognized as an acceptable word in international Scrabble tournaments. Another Thai word said to be in the running was "hua lahn" (baldy).
A Happy New Year to all readers. I have an uneasy feeling that in 2023 we are going to need as much good fortune as we can muster.
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com
