We all have one of those friends. The one who never seems to be single. The one who is essentially allergic to traversing life without a strong romantic, monogamous attachment to someone.
I’ve been surrounded by smart, hot, charismatic people who are serially monogamous and make me feel like I might be doing dating wrong. But what really is the appeal of serial monogamy, and why is actually taking the time to get to know people before diving into a relationship better?
There’s a dark side to serial monogamy and it runs deeper than just the lack of giving yourself room for your slut phases. Romance isn’t just sex, and sex isn’t always romantic, so that’s not the issue. I once read that “it’s always been the pursuit of love that has fascinated us, not what we do with it when we get it.”
Being single is a constant pursuit. When you’re single you are constantly faced with exploring people and what makes them tick. You exchange bits and pieces of yourself and sometimes it’ll end up with you deciding that this person you’re getting to know could enhance and enrich your experience of life, and you want to do the same to theirs.
Serial monogamists bypass the romantic stage of dating.
They are anti-romance. If you’re meeting someone while you’re still in a relationship, deciding they’re better, and jumping right into another relationship with them: where is the invigorating and exciting pursuit of love?
Honestly, take a breather.
That person who is jumping into a relationship with you after two weeks of hanging out every day only knows a shallow and curated version of you. We all know this, but some of us — serial monogamists, and not going to lie, sometimes me when I get dick-matised — are ignoring it for a sustained period of validation. Sometimes even for years and years.
I’m not hating on serial monogamists. My best friend is one. She is the most beautiful, creative, and intelligent person I know. I understand why so many men want to be in a relationship with her. And sometimes, I do catch myself asking her why men aren’t lining up constantly to date me monogamously.
But she reminds me: it’s not me, it’s just my understanding of romance. And of myself.
I’m opinionated and sometimes difficult, and this has been historically reflected in the way I seek out romance. On the flip side, I’m “smart, hot and funny,” according to the guy I’m dating right now.
I’ve only wanted the men who don’t want me. It’s been a constant chase, a delusional pursuit.
That’s my issue, but I’ve recently addressed it. I’ve started properly getting to know who I’m dating, and the ones who don’t want me have been weeded out because we just don’t click and they don’t understand me.
Don’t get me wrong, romance can still exist mutually when you’re dating someone exclusively.
This comes from the theory that relationships work best when you’re constantly learning about them. The pursuit for understanding fully what makes your partner tick. And hopefully not getting turned off too quickly when the ick strikes. But we know this pursuit of romantic discovery does often die off, with 50 per cent of marriages ending in divorce.
But if you’re romantically pursuing to understand someone while you’re single, you can keep the boundaries in your life alive.
Say you decide to be single for three years. In that time, you meet three or more people you love to fuck, love to hang out with, but probably don’t have a future with because realistically you don’t understand each other. But that’s okay because throughout it all you don’t lose who you are. Through the process of romantically pursuing to understand someone else, you’re learning about yourself too — and that’s a type of underrated romance.
There’s more to the issue too.
Serial monogamists can often trap themselves in a cycle of toxic relationships by ignoring their own needs and wants. They’re purely focusing on filling a gap in their life they feel while they’re single. A gap which only exists because they are afraid of going a month without being told someone that they fucking loves them.
Serial monogamists tend to cheat to seek something better too.
Body+Soul‘s 2024 Sex Census surveyed more than 2000 Australians and found that Aussies aren’t that faithful, with one in three having cheated or considered cheating on their partner. I guarantee these are the people who never take the time to be properly single.
Being single is peak romance.
I know that dating apps are killing the allure of dating and love by flattening the dating world and glamorising it. But just delete them, it’s not that hard. Be single, discover people organically and enjoy it.
You can go three years and question why no one wants you (sometimes), but then remember that it’s not actually them, it’s you. You know your value and that loser (who used a pick-up line on Hinge, bought you three beers which were discounted because he knows the bartender at his local pub, fucked you in missionary, then never texted you back) ends up making you feel unwanted. You’re single, and you know yourself, so you know simply worth more than that.
Maybe you’ll get out of a long-term relationship and meet the love of your life instantly. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen. But when you’re in a rush, you’re ignoring yourself. Take a minute (or a year) and embrace the pursuit of love.
The post Is Serial Monogamy Making Us Anti-Romance? The Case For Staying Single Amidst Dating Hell appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
