Watching porn seems a lot more common than it once used to be, particularly with the internet and smart phones making it a lot more accessible. But if you’re in a relationship, what does it mean if one partner is watching porn without the other?
BACP-registered therapist Emma Cullinan says although people watch porn for many reasons, it’s also not uncommon for it to have an impact on relationships.
Is it common and normal?
“Considering the numbers involved, it is common for some people to watch porn without their partners. But whether it is ‘normal’ depends on many factors. One is that porn varies from content with paid actors (who have hopefully consented), to depictions of horrific abuse. Watching illegal porn is a serious issue psychologically and legally, and I know of two cases in which police have turned up at people’s workplaces and arrested them,” she says.
“This has led to partners deciding whether to support their partners through the court process and beyond. While this is at the extreme end, your question does highlight how, in a relationship, one partner watching porn affects the other: in various ways.”
In terms of how common it is to watch porn, a YouGov poll (2022) in the UK says 76% of men watch porn and 53% of women. About third of men (36%) watch it at least once a week as do 4% of women. It is also on the rise with 48% of under-30s watching porn compared with 17% of over-60s.
Does it mean they don’t fancy me?
“The thought of a partner watching porn alone can bring up insecurities,” says Cullinan. “You can feel excluded, insecure and betrayed, as if your partner is cheating.
“While you might feel they are less attracted to you or that you are somehow not satisfying your partner and they are looking elsewhere, please don’t. It is highly unlikely that your partner never watched porn until they met you and you somehow caused it – but it is possible that their porn-use could be hurting your relationship and sex-life.
“In 2021, the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy reported that watching porn on your own was ‘associated with poorer relationship quality for men (eg, lower relationship adjustment and commitment, less emotional intimacy), but better relationship quality for women.’
“Watching with a partner, it said, was associated with more relationship and sexual intimacy (yet both watching alone and together was linked with higher psychological aggression between partners).
“Other worries about partners who watch porn alone are that you might be compared with a fantastical ideal and they will want you to behave in the same way. Some partners feel pulled into ‘competing’ with what they imagine is happening with the porn.
“It can also make you feel insecure about your body if you feel compared to unrealistic body types. While your partner’s porn-watching might make you feel insecure, it could also be true that their insecurities are driving them. It will help to find out whether they are watching recreationally or as a coping mechanism to deal with their own issues.”
Some people watch porn as a result of feeling isolated and a difficulty in getting close to people, she adds. “Naturally, this can lead to further alienation from partners. So, it helps to know what drives your partner to watch porn.
“In 2016, the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported that 75.5% of porn users are recreational and watch an average of 24 minutes a week, 12.7% are ‘highly-distressed’ non-compulsive viewers who watch 17 minutes a week, and 11.8% are compulsive viewers who watch 110 minutes a week.
“Recreational users are mainly women – who report higher sexual satisfaction and less dysfunction and avoidance – and compulsive viewers are mostly men. Solitary users are more likely to be in the distressed category – which is associated with more sexual dysfunction, avoidance and less satisfaction.”Should we talk about it?
If it worries or affects you, then yes. “This is why you need to have a conversation: to know why your partner is watching porn alone and how that will affect your relationship. For instance, if your partner is using porn to deal with a sense of isolation, it risks creating further disconnection.
“Reassure your partner that you are not shaming them but seeking to understand them. You can both express what emotions are coming up for you around the porn-watching, what is leading to these feelings and how you can both address them,” she says.
“Ask them what they are watching and why, in a non-judgmental way. If it is a compulsion, what are they using it to cope with? What feelings are they trying to soothe or numb? Perhaps because of attachment issues, might they subconsciously be trying to create a ‘safe’, virtual relationship that requires no connection or work? Is your partner protecting themselves from intimacy by creating this distance?
“Those trying to break from compulsive porn-watching often say the main reason is to get their sex lives back. High levels of stimulation in porn can lead to a lower arousal levels, eventually causing less satisfactory sex in the real world.
“Discuss what you both want in a sexual relationship. And while you have the choice whether to watch porn or not, without being shamed either way, some couples find that watching porn together enhances their sex lives. But you need to feel connected and included.”
To find a counsellor registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, visit bacp.co.uk.
