Irish jockey Oisin Murphy feared his career was over after battling alcohol issues as the Kerry man is currently banned from racing over a series of rule breaches.
The champion jockey will return to races in 2023 and is serving a 14 month ban after misleading the British Horseracing Authority as well as two alcohol breaches and Murphy (26) was also slapped with a €37,000 fine.
And Murphy has spoken about his battle with alcohol and said he thought his career was over.
Speaking to BBC Sport, Murphy said he was drinking every day and was blacking out from alcohol.
He said: "I might last a week or sometimes a month but it would spiral out of control again.
"By the time Goodwood came around in August [2021] I had blacked out every night of that week. OK, I was probably blacking out very early in the evening so I was fine the next morning, but I really couldn't deal with the pressure and by the Breeders' Cup in November I was ready to stop riding.
"Whether I rode well or poorly that day, whether I had winners or no winners, I dealt with it the same way - I started drinking. I had no set plan as to what would be my last drink that evening."
Murphy failed a breathalyser test back in October and said he was 'filled with embarrassment' and that it could end his career as a jockey.
He added: "I had finally realised that my career was over unless I sorted myself out, and also the embarrassment I brought not only on myself but the people closest to me."
Murphy faced charges relating to his alcohol breaches in May and October of 2021 and also of misleading the BHA of his location as he holidayed in the Greek Island of Mykonos while it was on the Covid red list at the time.
"I told the BHA I had gone to Lake Como and they had been informed I had been to Mykonos. Over the coming months they asked for my bank records and phone records, which they are entitled to do. And I had to put my hands up and tell them that I had not told the truth.
"I made a massive mistake and I am suffering from the consequences of that now."
Murphy cannot reapply for his licence until February 2023 but says attends Alcohol Anonymous meetings as well as counselling and is hopeful of returning to the sport in the future.
"I want to get back in the saddle and show people that I'm healthy and I could get my life back together and win the races I haven't won before," he said. "I haven't won enough Classics or a Derby or the Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe.
"I can't really portray how I felt throughout last year. There were a lot of low days - most days were low in fact. I'm fully sober now and I want to maintain how I am. That is day by day.
"I suppose when I return to the saddle I've got to be sure that I am still feeling this way. I can't really live with the idea of failing another breath test. That's why I'm still going to AA and still seeking help from my counsellor."
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