For many, sex is something easier done than talked about, especially when it comes to our romantic partners. Guardian researcher Kitty Drake came across this a lot while conducting anonymous interviews for our new column featuring couples opening up about their sex lives: people were more concerned about their partner knowing what they thought about their sex life than they were about their sex life appearing in a national newspaper.
“One woman explained it to me,” says Drake. “I was trying to address her anxiety and said, ‘No one will know it is you.’ And she said: ‘But the only person I really don’t want to know what I think of my husband’s lovemaking skills is my husband. And he’s the only one I won’t be anonymous to.”
But the exact reasons behind our struggle to be honest about sex with our partners – whether it’s saying what feels nice and what you’d like more of, or worries that sex is fading from the relationship – are often complicated, and cannot just be explained away by theories of being too uptight, or too polite (a condition also known as being “too British”).
Such struggles are “very common,” says Silva Neves, a sexologist and counsellor. “People are afraid to be shamed for their turn-ons, and afraid their partner might think they’re weird and leave them.”
Fiona Robertson, who has been married for 15 years, agrees: “I think we’re conditioned not to admit to sexual dissatisfaction as it’s some sort of commentary on our beloved partner.”
For the first years of their marriage, Fiona and her husband Malcolm, both 35, had no problem talking about sex – not least because there was no shortage of it. But over the years, as the honeymoon period faded, discussions became fraught. “An added complication is that I’m bisexual, so I think he always had this sense that he couldn’t give me everything I needed,” she says. “Yet after we did open up our marriage, it suddenly became super easy to talk about sex again, because the fear that if we spoke we’d uncover something fatal to our marriage was gone.”
This sort of openness is reflected in a 2022 study, which found that the vast majority of British and American couples surveyed were honest about their sexual satisfaction, and would want their partner to be so too (this is especially true of men). But dig a little deeper and the same survey found that 54% of women admit to faking orgasm, while more than a fifth of men were not honest about how many previous sexual partners they’d had.
But it’s not so simple to say honesty is always the best policy. A 2014 study found that some “pro-social” lies, such as saying you like a gift you actually don’t, may help strengthen bonds.
That said, communication about turn-ons and turn-offs can improve people’s pleasure in the bedroom, and better sex makes for happier couples. In short: it’s about better rather than more communication. So what do we need to talk about?
“Low libido in women is commonly presented as a problem in need of a solution, when in fact fluctuations are absolutely normal,” says Laura McNaught, a psychosexual therapist. And desire itself is complicated. “Sexologists used to think that the human arousal cycle started with desire – feeling horny,” says McNaught. “After that comes arousal, then orgasm, then the comedown ‘refractory’ period.
“This belief has caused a lot of worry, especially in women, when a few years into the relationship they say their libido has gone. But that kind of desire is what we now call ‘spontaneous desire’, and only some people experience it in long-term relationships.” The other desire, he says, is “responsive desire”.
“That’s about having positive intent, so wanting to have sex because it feels good and brings you closer emotionally, and then doing the physical act to bring on arousal. After that comes the desire.”
What about common concerns for men? “Many men get their sense of self-worth from being competent, so hearing that they aren’t ‘competent’ in bed can feel like a dagger to the heart,” she says.
Neves agrees: “Men struggle with the myth of masculinity, which says they have to be good lovers at all times, and have to take charge in the bedroom. Unreliable erections equates to weakness.”
Then, regardless of gender, there’s the issue of what Neves calls “myths and unhelpful messages about sex”. These messages can come from all sorts of places, from pornography to religion, and can often leave people asking, “Is this how it was supposed to be?”
Being honest about sex isn’t only about technique – the “how you touch, where you touch”, says McNaught, “but an overall understanding of how your own sexuality works”.
Darryl Paxman, 40, has been with his partner for five years and they have a one-year-old child together. Paxman says the sex with his partner was always great, and he always found her attractive – although naturally, when their child arrived the sex was less frequent. Plus, secretly Paxman says he was “addicted to porn”.
One day his partner discovered the porn on his computer. Some of it was extreme; some of it was stuff she was into herself. Seeing it opened the door to several conversations, about Paxman’s difficult childhood with a mentally ill parent, but also their own turn-ons and desire. Paxman eventually enrolled into Sex Addicts Anonymous and has since given up porn completely. He says the sex between him and his partner has never been better and that they have never been closer. “It makes me quite sad that if I hadn’t gotten so into porn, I would’ve enjoyed sex so much more.”
Ultimately every relationship is different, and every person has needs and wants that change over time. “All sexual relationships are about the art of compromise. And that’s why communication is so important,” says McNaught. “Sometimes the issue is a simple lack of vocabulary. In the consulting room I hear euphemisms like ‘down below’ for genitals, or ‘rumpy-pumpy’ for sex, because that’s what they know.”
Finding the words to express yourself the way you want can take time. So even if they don’t come easily, it’s important to remember that this isn’t a sign the relationship is doomed – rather it’s just something to be worked on. “If your partner is a good person with matching values to yours, reliable when life is stressful, giving you a hug when you’re sad, and a good laugh, that’s pretty good,” says Neves. “If they’re not the sex God of your dreams it’s OK … You can still spice up your sex life with good communication.”
* Some names have been changed
‘I like it when you … ’ How to talk about sex
Know what you want first
“Sex is about context,” says McNaught, “and we all have our brakes and accelerators”. Brakes are our turn-offs, such as stress or negative body image, while accelerators are what get us excited, such as emotional connection and feeling desirable. It’s important to know what your brakes and accelerators are before opening up any conversation with a partner. “Reading erotica and connecting with fantasy can be helpful.”
Don’t point fingers
“Express your own sexual experience; don’t blame your partner for an unsatisfying sex life,” says Neves. Try saying: “I don’t enjoy being touched on the neck but I love it when you touch my bottom” or “I prefer when there is a bit of roughness like light spanking, rather than when sex is sweet.”
Make time to actually talk
“As with any sensitive conversation, you want to be relaxed and have the time and energy to talk,” says McNaught. And remember, right after unsatisfying sex is never the right time.
Be specific
“No one is a mind reader. If you say, ‘I want to have more connected sex,’ your partner might not know what that means,” says McNaught. “So instead, you could say something like, ‘I want to be held. I want to be caressed.’ It’s the same for when people say, ‘I want more passion’. What does that actually mean? Maybe it’s saying, ‘I want more movement, I want more physicality, maybe even some dirty talk.’”
Leave judgment at the door
“Recognise that any feelings or preferences expressed – as long as they’re legal and consensual – are not right nor wrong,” says McNaught. “They just are.”
