THE HAND OF TODD
Football Daily has spent the last few days enjoying a right good laugh at the expense of Chelsea co-owner Todd D’oh!ly. Yes, he’s sitting on $5.3bn, which is about £500, and we’re wrestling with the big questions of 2023 (bread or spread?). But just look at the state of this philanthropic multi-billionaire! As Chelsea prepare for a season-defining Big Cup match against Real Madrid, most of the talk is not of the players, or Frank Lampard’s win percentage in his second spell as manager, or even his draw percentage. It’s D’oh!ly, whose dressing-room pep talk after the defeat by Brighton on Saturday has leaked faster than b@nterous first-leg predictions from his overenthusiastic mouth. D’oh!ly reportedly called Chelsea’s season “embarrassing”, after which, according to the National Grid, there was a surge in pot/kettle analogies, and singled out one player – bought for big money in the last 12 months, and yes this stuff does write itself – for criticism. In the bowels of Stamford Bridge, it seems, there isn’t much looking glass. D’oh!ly’s combination of enthusiasm, power and ignorance are in danger of setting USA! USA!! USA!!!-UK football relations back 20 years, and they weren’t exactly thriving before he invited Jesse Marsch to hold his watery beer.
In Monday’s pre-match press conference, Lampard and Kepa Arrizabalaga did their best to pretend this was perfectly normal, but nobody was fooling anybody. “When an owner is invested in their interest in the team and wants to help and improve, it’s their prerogative to have the input they want,” tooted Lampard. “I remember the moments as a player of owners first coming into the dressing room. It first happened at Chelsea. I remember being really happy that they were there,” he continued, as all across London, in unison, polygraph machines went up in flames. “You could touch them, you could high-five them and listen to them and feel them. That’s not a bad thing in terms of the identity of the club and where you want to get to.” In Chelsea’s case, that’s August 2023, hence their surprise £100m bid to buy Benjamin Harvey Bailey Smith. They are a billion-dollar shambles who can’t wait for the season to end. A total farce. Hahahaha, Roflol. Well, yes, probably. But schadenfreude, like onanism, is an indulgence that should only be savoured when you are 100% sure it won’t rebound in your face.
Chelsea were arguably in an even bigger mess when they first won Big Cup in 2012, and Thomas Tuchel didn’t exactly inherit a self-driving dressing-room in 2021 either. Indeed, when Chelsea and Big Cup get together, weird things happen: special ones hide in laundry baskets, Norwegian referees fail to give 49 clear penalties against Barcelona in one match, Wayne Bridges topple Invincibles. It’s only a year ago, after all, that Chelsea began a quarter-final second leg against Real Madrid two goals down and produced a comeback for the ages by scoring the next three goals. Yeah, OK, they didn’t see it through and eventually went out in extra time, but that’s got absolutely nothing to do with the narrative we’re peddling here! So while can you never be sure in football, or indeed any other aspect of human life, all logic says Chelsea will lose again. If Football Daily was worth $5.3bn, which is about £500, we’d put a fair whack on it. But one thing is for sure: if Chelsea do go out, remember to celebrate the birthday of the following, all born on this day: Divock Origi, Wojciech Szczesny, Donny van de Beek, Lukasz Fabianski, Matthew Upson, Denzel Dumfries, Maurice Edu, Oumar Niasse, Ben Brereton, Ben Brereton Díaz, Stefan Schwarz, Paul Jones, Arturo Di Napoli and Danny Guthrie. Sing Happy Birthday twice to each of them, because that’s how long it will take Lampard to meticulously wash his hands of the result in his post-match interview.
It’s an old trick of his, tried and tested. This time, he’s probably well within his rights.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Daniel Gallan from 8pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Chelsea 1-2 Real Madrid (agg: 1-4), while Rob Smyth will be on deck for Napoli 2-0 Milan (agg: 2-1).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t remember ever conceding so many goals in two games in my entire career but I am here to give my best to try and help the team and the club. At this moment I don’t have an explanation for what’s happened. We’re losing composure. It’s hard to accept” – Javi Gracia struggles to explain his team’s latest defensive capitulation as Leeds continue to milk the benefits of sacking Marcelo Bielsa, with a 6-1 home shoeing by Liverpool leaving them dangling precariously above the Premier League trap door.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
So, Todd Boehly chats to the players after every game. Perhaps he could spare a minute to chat to us Chelsea fans – we’d love to hear the thinking behind buying an unmanageably large squad, but no one to score a goal, and having more managers in a season than Roman Abramovich could have dreamed of” – Mike Davis.
After the weekend’s usual video-based officiating shenanigans, my son and I have decided to tentatively punt a better alternative. Rather than referring to a bunch of people in a shed, we humbly suggest referring to an ordinary football-watching person on a sofa with their Tin – arguably a better-versed authority – for a decision following several replays. It, of course would be known as BAR” – Peter Logan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Mike Davis.
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