My father didn’t come to the hospital when I was born. I discovered this later in life. In Kyrgyzstan, parents often wish for sons. When a girl is born first, it is no problem – a son is still likely to come. When the second child also turns out to be a girl, the family begins to worry. And to pray.
They might sacrifice a ram, study eastern calendars to work out which days are good for conception. God forbid if the third child turns out to be a girl. This would now be a serious problem.
Women face pressure from all sides: from society, their in-laws and their husbands – who often accuse them of being at fault. This can lead to quarrels, domestic violence and even divorce, leaving a woman more vulnerable than before. The problem is growing worse due to deteriorating economic conditions.
When Zhyldyz had her first daughter everyone was happy, but when the second and third daughters were born she was beside herself with worry. She tried all kinds of traditional medical procedures and visited clairvoyants for guidance on conceiving a boy. Finally, she and her husband opted for an expensive IVF treatment abroad, which gave them a better chance at choosing the sex of an embyro. Her husband was overjoyed. He would have a son.
He built a space where he and his son would play sports. But again, she gave birth to a daughter. “Every day, I look at the playground and feel sadness and hopelessness. I don’t know what to do,” says Zhyldyz.
Kunduz has a different outlook. She has four daughters, but she and her husband feel no regret. Her husband says that any child is a gift – the sex of the child is the will of God alone. He is happy regardless, and grateful to his wife for his daughters.
“It would be nice, of course, to give birth to a son,” says Kunduz. “But I’m already 40 and unlikely to give birth to another child.”
Asylkan waited 14 years for a son. Before that, when her husband was drunk he beat her severely, blaming her and demanding she have a boy. In the sixth month of one of her pregnancies he beat her so badly she almost lost her child. Luckily, the baby was born healthy – a girl. After six daughters, her seventh child was a son. Everyone was happy; the husband arranged grandiose celebrations for all his relatives and friends.
The boy is now a man who is spoiled and irresponsible. He has always caused trouble, upsetting his parents and bringing problems.
One of their daughters became someone on whom the rest of the family depends. The other daughters also became successful businesspeople with happy families. When Asylkan reminds her husband about the past he doesn’t want to talk about it. He feels shame and regret.
For years, Aminat Baitikova, chief physician at the first maternity hospital in Bishkek, the capital, has explained to her patients that the sex of the child depends on the sperm that delivers the x or y chromosome. This fact is often ignored by men.
In Kyrgyzstan, opportunities are often reserved for boys, while girls are relegated to housework. Sons are often exempt from housework so they have more time to study, and later in life it is men who are more likely to get well-paid, prestigious jobs.
The fate of a girl is to do chores, take care of relatives and study for a profession that is in service of others, such as a teacher, doctor or nurse. It is important this job does not interfere in family life. Despite this, girls and women overcome obstacles at every stage to get a good education and become successful.
Roza Otunbayeva, former president of Kyrgyzstan and a founder of the country’s women’s movement, noted that today we, the women of Kyrgyzstan, hold our heads proudly and talk about women’s issues and leadership.
One example is civil society in Kyrgyzstan, composed of about 90% women. They actively promote democratic values, protect human rights, solve social problems, provide humanitarian assistance in emergencies and act as a bridge between the population and the authorities.
However, many women remain under pressure, forced to act within the constraints of tradition. Women from poorer regions – where there are fewer opportunities to study or find work – are particularly affected.
I, too, was a disappointment to my father. He was so upset to have another girl he wouldn’t come to the hospital and so my uncle came to name me. Later, he changed his opinion. I have no resentment towards him because he turned out to be the best father.
Only one name given in some instances, on request
Gulbarchyn Toialieva has worked for 15 years on peace building and conflict prevention and is the founder of the non-governmental organisation Zhalyn. Her foundation was established in response to the growing restrictions on the rights of young people and women
