Ideas about who should do what to keep a home clean and functional differ across generations and cultures. As people grapple with the blurring lines between home, work and housework, many Guardian Australia readers told us they found themselves slipping into traditional gender roles – especially when children come into the equation. While reverting to old norms has worked for some, for more readers – particularly women – an unfair share of housework is a source of resentment.
But negotiating systems that feel fair to all is possible. No matter the specifics – cards, lists, schedules or cocktails – most readers suggested that adapting (and re-adapting) as circumstances change was necessary to get the best results, and many reported periods of unrest before finding household harmony.
And if all else fails, readers suggest letting your standards slip a little, and outsourcing anything you can afford to.
Planning to share and sharing a plan
“Think: If the positions were reversed, would I be happy?”
Anonymous, Australia, with their partner 38 years
“Housework was a source of too many arguments for too long. Then, over a glass of wine, we wrote down all of the chores (big and small) on individual cards, then scored them as high, medium or low effort and tagging them as daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly. We then took turns choosing from each category until all were taken.
By choosing our jobs and then checking how time and effort would be spread between us, it felt fair. We did that first set for three months, then swapped. We are about to reach six months, and we have loved it. It’s one of the best things we’ve done to keep a happy home.”
Keeley, Melbourne, Australia, with her partner 15 years
“We have been through a number of systems – lists, routines, no system, just trying to not think about it – but now use the Fair Play card system. It has a unique ‘conceive, plan, execute’ method, where a cardholder needs to see through everything to do with that card, from beginning to end. This sheds all the mental load of that task from the other person.
There are a lot of cards, but surprisingly they’re mostly all relevant, and have brought to light a lot of hidden tasks. The cards can be divided however feels right for the household. This is by far the best system we’ve had.”
Remy, Canberra, Australia, with his partner seven years
“We have a few advantages when it comes to division of household labour, because we’re both women and we both came into this relationship having been in single-adult households, where we were fully responsible for all household labour. We have similar ideas and standards about how we want our living space to look and feel, and neither of us can claim we ‘just don’t see the jobs that need doing’.
The really critical thing for me has been that we share a similar mental load, as well as practical load. We both spend the same amount of time thinking about what needs to be done.
This is a bit tongue-in-cheek – but I recommend being in a queer relationship! Not having to navigate the crazy gendered expectations is much more conducive to genuinely shared labour – particularly if you have kids.”
Jo, Brisbane, Australia, with her partner five years
Trust each other to get things done
“‘I don’t know how’ or ‘You’re better at it than me’ are nothing more than excuses. As my new wife said in the 1970s: ‘I had to learn how to do it too.’
This cuts both ways for practically all tasks. Avoid criticising or ‘helping’ unless asked. There is more than one good way of doing most things.”
Anonymous, Australia, with their partner nearly 50 years
“We have recently switched to a week-on-week-off model of domestic labour, especially for the grocery shopping/cooking/washing up/cleaning and taking the bins out.
The idea is, one of you takes a complete break and the other does all of it. This was suggested to us by some friends who use the same approach. The ‘off’ partner has baby bath duties in their model. So far it seems to be working, but it will be an ongoing experiment to see if it is sustainable.”
Laksmi, Melbourne, Australia, with her partner seven years
Outsource what you hate and try to have fun
“When performing boring routine chores that don’t require superfine judgement – alcohol.”
B and M, Sydney, together 38 years
“If you can afford it, have a regular cleaner – even monthly. Just so there are five minutes when the house is nice and you don’t want to burn the whole lot down and start again.”
Nicola, Melbourne, Australia, with her partner 14 years
“If you both hate a chore (mucking out the cat box, in our case) do it together.”
Mark, Lancashire, UK, with his partner eight years
Flexibility is key
“Even if you have a system that seems fair, build in ways to review it as circumstances change – and prioritise kindness over equality.”
Sonia, Melbourne, Australia, with her partner 15 years
“We’ve gone through cycles. Pre-kids, things were shared pretty evenly, but once we had kids, and I spent more time at home, the chore split more closely resembled the 1950s! Covid changed all that. Having both of us WFH meant we took a long look at the division and it’s once again more of a 50/50 split.
Take time to review the division of labour regularly. Your family and life will change, and your responsibilities need to adapt.”
Anna, Melbourne, Australia, with her partner 20 years
“Ensure your language about the household is about sharing the chores and caring for each other, not a tally of who’s done more. We used to split things fairly evenly, but now he’s so disabled by MS that I do everything, and care for him. No one tells you how relentless it will be.”
Anonymous, Australia, with their partner 35 years
“Negotiate when feeling cheerful not angry, help each other, specialise but not rigidly.”
Robyn, Hobart, Australia, with her partner 45 years
Challenging tradition (or not)
“I try to do more than 50% ever since I read All the Rage. The book says that in hetero relationships, men overestimate the percentage of work they are putting in and should try to do more than 50% – so they actually reach it.
I do a lot more of the housekeeping like washing, cooking, cleaning, bills and financial management and taking the kids to and from daycare. My wife, on the other hand, thinks about clothes for kids, birthday and Christmas presents and stuff like that. I think we end up around 50/50, so are pretty content.
Aim higher. Your partner will thank you.”
Felix, Newcastle, Australia, with his partner eight years
“I do 90% of the housework. We argue about it often. My husband will say, ‘Just tell me what needs to be done and I’ll do it’. Then either ignores it or does it so poorly that it is not a done job.
There are TikToks about men doing this as a ploy, so their wives eventually just stop asking them. It’s like having an extra child to care for. Think very carefully about continuing a relationship with a partner who appears incapable. Don’t assume they’ll learn as they go along. It’s a choice.”
Anonymous, Australia, with their partner 25 years
“My partner and I were both raised with one stay-at-home parent and wanted the same for our family. I became the sole breadwinner for the first 15 years. My partner was responsible for the day-to-day emotional, nutritional and social welfare of three small people in a complicated world. This in itself is an immense task, so I considered cleaning and cooking as separate to that and a shared responsibility. 50/50 wasn’t always possible, but I made an effort to keep domestic chores shared evenly.
Laziness in the household sends the message that you don’t care, so tell the people with whom you share your life ‘I care about you, I value you’ by getting in and doing the work!”
Terence, Melbourne, Australia, with his partner 26 years
“I used to relentlessly educate my partner about gender roles and the mental load, and asked him to keep it fair. After more than five years of stubborn and emotional task tallying, we are now pretty much equal contributors.
In hetero relationships, men should be observant and educate themselves about all the extra crap women are still expected to do, and then work to redress the balance. Women should be clear about their expectations and, within reason, be patient as their male partner adapts. Communicate, show gratitude, let your standards slip a little, and don’t bottle stuff up.”
Claire, Melbourne, Australia, with her partner eight years
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length
