The Tory Baroness Michelle Mone is alleged to have made £29million from the government she’s in.
The lingerie tycoon persuaded them that a firm she had links to would be ideal to provide protective equipment for medical staff during the pandemic.
Some people suggested this is corrupt, but I think it’s perfectly fair, as long as we all get to have a go.
So Vanessa, who works at Argos in Doncaster town centre, can call Michael Gove and tell him she wants the contract to run Trident for a year.
She’ll arrange for the submarines to be relocated to the River Don at the back of Kwik Fit, where people can take them for a ride to Conisbrough and back for £3.50.
There might be one incident when a birthday party gets out of hand and they fire a nuclear missile at the B&Q in Scunthorpe. But she’ll still be paid £29million and ministers will insist it was good value for money.
Then Farid, who drove a dinghy carrying asylum seekers across the Channel, should lobby to be in charge of the West Coast train line, taking over from Avanti.
He’ll propose that the trains are replaced by inflatable lilos, and one of the passengers has to drive it themselves.
The Government will approve this, as it means they’ll be able to sack the drivers, and he’ll receive £29million.
Amazingly, this will result in a slight improvement of the service from when it was run by Avanti.
Michelle also lobbied her own government to award a contract for a company called LFI Diagnostics. Now it looks like her husband was secretly a beneficiary of that firm.
So the next batch of protective equipment in hospitals should be provided by Ted’s Motors, after Ted’s wife lobbies the Department of Health.
Then she can deny she knew Ted was involved in Ted’s Motors. And Ted can provide some masks and gowns, made of discarded starter motors and broken wing mirrors, and be paid £29million.
Dirty Doug, who sells home-grown grass behind the bins outside Morrisons, can win the contract for supplying anaesthetic to the NHS.
I’ll lobby for my mum to provide clothing to the army with her knitting.
Our troops will have to march around Iraq or Somalia wearing long-sleeved pullovers instead of combat gear, but she’ll get £29million.
Rishi Sunak has said he was “absolutely shocked” by the allegations of Michelle’s second contract.
You can understand how absolutely shocked he must be, because after she’d done it once, it seems completely out of character that she might do exactly the same thing again.
In any case, all the other contracts awarded during the pandemic were given entirely on merit, such as the £40million given to a bloke who was the landlord at Matt Hancock’s pub.
But Rishi should be delighted. This is the solution to rising prices.
We all get a turn at swiping £29million and the winter will be a breeze.
