We have all probably said something in anger that we didn’t actually mean. This is not an excuse, as these words, even if not “meant” can and will hurt another person. Oftentimes, family members bear the brunt of these moments.
The internet was divided after a dad wondered if he was a jerk for making his adopted niece the emergency babysitter when his wife was in a major accident. In the heat of the moment, he shouted at the twelve-year-old and insinuated that “being a babysitter” was one of the main reasons she was adopted.
Words said in anger might not be true, but they still hurt
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / pexels (not the actual photo)
One man shouted at his adopted daughter after she didn’t want to babysit during a family emergency
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
He later shared a small update
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / pexels (not the actual photo)
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Trust is a huge part of raising an adoptive child
To start with, it is natural to be tense and stressed in a situation where a loved one, like the man’s wife, is injured. The term “family emergency” gets thrown around frequently, but an accident definitely fits the bill. Naturally, tensions will be running high and it’s not always possible to find an emergency babysitter. Oftentimes, families will then “enlist” a family member to babysit, with predictable results. But in an emergency situation, it might be the only option.
While it might be harsh, parents should reserve the right to say “you will do it because I told you to” for cases like this. There are some things that parents want that are ridiculous and should be ignored, but this is not one of them. It’s understandable that the twelve year old would not want to babysit and is probably also stressed by the emergency, but this is exactly the time when her parent needs her to look after the younger child.
However, precisely because she is adopted, he should have been a lot more careful with his words. Unlike most biological children, who take their parents’ love for granted, adopted kids generally have attachment issues. After all, the first parent in their life, for one reason or another, is no longer there.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo)
Someone who has lost their parents would be more sensitive to “family emergencies”
In general, without a concept of “basic trust,” most people tend to feel stressed and isolated. This is particularly true for children. “Basic trust” according to researchers Barbara and Philip Newman “links confidence about the past with faith about the future.” Adopted children often do not have this confidence in the past, so it has to be built in the present. In general, part of trust is having good boundaries, which are vital to any relationship. Not being shouted at is a pretty normal boundary to have, even if the twelve-year-old doesn’t have the language to express it.
A parental figure, not only shouting, but setting conditions for adoption (and therefore for love and caregiving) is breaking that trust. Similarly, a child who has had her biological parents die would be even more sensitive to a parental figure in the hospital. This was a moment of great sensitivity and the father decided that a short-term solution was more important than allowing a sense of trust to grow.
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This can be an opportunity for the father to learn
It’s also telling that his sister thought his words were way out of line, as this person has no doubt a lot more insight into the situation than any of us. The father later clarifies that he apologized and is willing to make things right. In a vacuum, he is not wrong to want his own child to help during an emergency, this is something that will take a lot of trust-building to restore. He has a responsibility to look after her, babysitting or not.
Some people tend to not be able to keep their temper in check when they are stressed, which often does lead to conflicts like this. It would appear that the father didn’t mean his words when he shouted at his daughter, but why should she then ever believe what he says? This is particularly bad, as the parent of an adopted child has to be very careful about what they say and he immediately failed.
Without introspection and learning, this situation could very easily repeat itself the next time they are both stressed together. All in all, he is not a terrible, unforgivable father, it is very human to make mistakes. But this should serve as a learning moment to ensure that he and his adopted daughter can actually have a healthy relationship in the future.
Image credits: Jonathan Borba / pexels (not the actual photo)
Many people thought he was a jerk
But a few also saw his side of things
