I am a 65-year-old woman who has not been sexually active in a very long time due to divorce and because I can’t find anyone I’m interested in. I also had a mastectomy at the age of 54, but I haven’t followed it up with reconstructive surgery. In my youth I had a lot of sexual confidence, but between an ageing body and now a disfigured one, I can’t imagine revealing myself to a man. Friends and family can’t believe I’m still single, and although I feel confident otherwise, I can’t get beyond this problem.
Start by finding a path back to self-acceptance. This could be via a body-image programme, an online or in-person support group or through books or podcasts on the subject. There are many resources out there, and there are also many healers of all kinds. Seek and follow what feels right and comfortable for you. At the same time, reach out to your community to meet people to talk to, have fun with and share common interests. True sexual intimacy after the types of challenges you have faced is absolutely possible – in fact highly likely – if you can heal your sense of being unlovable. Confidence attracts others, and you will regain that in time if you set your mind on it.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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