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The Guardian - AU
The Guardian - AU
Lifestyle
Eleanor Gordon-Smith

I was always the first to message friends. When I stopped I lost my entire circle. Am I a crap person?

Gabriel Metsu's painting of a young man writing a letter by candlelight
‘Most people, most of the time, are doing an imperfect job of finding time for the things and people they value,’ writes Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Painting: Young Man Writing a Letter by Gabriël Metsu. Illustration: Alamy

I’m a 43–year-old man. Well-educated, with a healthy social skill level. I’ve always been surrounded by friends. Always invited to parties and events, both happy and sad, without effort on my part. Last year I moved from the city to a country farm and I came to the realisation that I had been the one maintaining contact. I was the one initiating every time, and when I stopped, they all went away. We’re not talking just one friend either. I’m talking full-on loss of an entire social circle.

It’s been a rough year, socially and emotionally speaking. My partner has borne the brunt of it, being my only contact and social outlet. I just don’t understand it. If I had been an atrocious person then people wouldn’t have interacted with me like they did, seemingly voluntarily and happily. I was invited to every wedding, engagement, birthday, hiking trip, you name it. I was made to feel welcome and wanted. As long as, it turns out, I was the one sending the first message, making the first call.

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