I saw you on Loose Women when you were talking about happiness and it hit home with me. I’m not happy and every time I do things to make myself happy it backfires.
I have the dream house, but it came with lots of problems. I have a good, high-paying job, but I’m struggling to deal with the stress, and so on.
I feel like my wife is just another person in the house. Our sex life is non-existent and we irritate each other. I’m still very attracted to her, but she doesn’t understand me.
We have children so, rightly or wrongly, I don’t want to walk from our marriage.
I was away with work recently and got stuck overseas, which allowed me to reflect and it was nice to have some alone time. As soon as I got home, all my problems returned and I felt stressed again.
Shortly afterwards, I bumped into an old friend and I’d like her to be more than a friend. She’s always known how I feel about her and I’ve never stopped thinking about her.
However, she doesn’t want to meet me, so I know there’s no future there.
Is it normal to feel like this or is it time to walk away from my marriage?
Coleen says:
As far as the other woman goes, I think you’re looking for an escape route. You’re also looking for a convenient reason for your unhappiness. You’re thinking, “Why, when I have all this great stuff, do I feel so unhappy? Why can’t I enjoy my life? It must be my marriage.”
First of all, embarking on an affair won’t make your problems go away, it’ll just add to them.
Secondly, if you’re looking to external things and other people to make you happy, you’re looking in the wrong place.
You have to start with yourself and think about what’s really important to you. Start with gratitude for what you do have – and I don’t mean material things like the house, I mean your relationships, your kids’ smiles and hugs, the fact your wife made you a beautiful dinner, being able to enjoy sitting in peace in your own garden and so on. Really think about what makes you happy.
A marriage doesn’t look after itself – it needs attention, communication, nurturing and honesty. Can you say, hand on heart, that you’ve put in the legwork? Equally, if you need time out to be on your own, it’s OK to do that, too.
You can’t sort out everything with one sweep of the brush, you have to take it a problem at a time. For example, if work stress is preventing you from being able to deal with other issues, then tackle that first, so you can see things more clearly.
Maybe your home would mean more to you if you tackled some of the work yourself or together with your wife – it could bring real satisfaction.
