I’ve left my keys in the bin and my wallet in the fridge. But even I’ve never mislaid radioactive material

Oh, there it is … the capsule retrieved by the side of the road in western Australia. Photograph: Western Australian Department Of Fire And Emergency Services/Reuters

Someone lost a radioactive capsule. Someone blundered. I shuddered at the news, because if I had been transporting that tiny object for Rio Tinto in Australia, that someone would have been me. I’m an accomplished loser of things. I may have lost more stuff than I ever had in the first place. This ought not to be possible, but if anyone can make it possible, it’s me. Still – losing a radioactive capsule. Wow. This sets a new benchmark among us useless, butter-fingered, forgetful, careless incompetents. I’m almost jealous, annoyed it wasn’t me. At least I’d then know I could never lose anything as important as this again.

When I played golf, I’d obviously lose balls. On the only occasion I didn’t lose a ball, I lost a club