In my recent piece about the five biggest mistakes amateurs make, I mentioned how lucky I am to have Royal County Down as my home golf course.
I've caddied on the historic links since I was 11 years old and have completed around 1,000 loops in the 15 years since.
As you can imagine, I have seen a lot of different things. Good players, bad players, hole in ones, snapped golf clubs - you name it, I've likely experienced it.
When I sat down to write this piece, I realised I could probably write a book on some of the crazy things I've seen in my caddying career, but for simplicity I've narrowed it down to four of the funnier memories I've had.
THE WORST SCORE IN ROYAL COUNTY DOWN HISTORY
I was (un)lucky to caddy for a lovely gentleman from Australia about seven years ago. When I picked up his bag I saw he had game improvement irons and thought, ‘OK, the course record is safe today’ - little did I know a different, one unofficial course record was to be broken.
The irons were brand new, as were his wedges… as was his putter. After reaching the first tee I unveiled a brand new driver from under the shiny headcover.
For the purpose of this exercise, I’ll call this guy Kevin.
Kevin stood on the first tee and took a practice swing. It wasn’t the finest you’ll see, taking a small lump out of the tee box. He then did it again. He stood up to the ball.. and missed. The missed again. Third times the charm – the ball was airborne… for around 0.8 seconds as it shanked into the long rough to the right of the tee.
We walked 50 yards up the fairway and dropped a ball. Kevin topped a 3 wood around 70 yards in front of him and met me with a big smile – ‘I only started playing three weeks ago so I’ll take it!’.
My jaw hit the floor.
When I asked him more about his experience, he shared that he wanted to join his buddies on the trip and thus took up the game of golf a mere 20 days before arriving to play one of the best golf courses in the world.
What’s more, given Kevin was new to the game, he wasn’t quite aware of the etiquette of our sport and proceeded to finish out on every. single. hole.
The highlight was Kevin topping three, yes, three balls into pond in the middle of the 17th fairway. He saw the funny side of things, as did I, but what wasn’t funny was a round that took over five and a half hours to complete. I'd estimate he shot a score close to 150.
IAN WOOSNAM ON STEROIDS
If you want to annoy your caddy before you’ve even shaken his or her hand, make sure to pack your bag full of stuff to make it as heavy as possible. Sunny weather forecast? Pack those waterproofs! Your arsenal of golf balls you’ve brought for your trip? Put every single one of them in the bag for extra weight. At the end of the day, you aren’t carrying it!
Five years ago I got a one strap bag that was so heavy I had to take a trolley, something I avoid doing at all costs. I met the player, a lovely guy, and handed him his putter and sent him on his way to the practice green.
I asked myself: why is this thing so heavy? Waterproofs and lots of golf balls, I’m sure, but I’ve never had a bag this heavy…
This bag was very cluttered, so I then started counting the clubs.
6,7,8….
12,13,14…15.
16.
17.
18…
My player had 22 clubs in his bag. Twenty. Two. Only eight more than the rules of golf allow.
This included three drivers, two putters and eight different wedges including a 46°, 48°, 54°, 56°, two 58°s and a 60°. Can you imagine what the inside of his garage looks like?
ROLY POLY
I caddied for a 21-year-old when I was 18. His name was Nick and he was from New York.
I remember him well because he’s one of the funniest guys I’ve ever looped for. He was a great player, making a beeline for the blue championship tees on our walk to the first tee.
Once there, he handed me a hipflask and said ‘hold this’ – a normal sight for us caddies. Sometimes keeping our players well oiled on the links is as important as the putting lines we give. Nick then pulled out another hipflask, raised it to me and said ‘that one is for you, by the way. Cheers!’
We sipped whiskey on our way around the course, laughing and having a blast in doing so (yes, very unprofessional of me – sorry). We then reached the iconic 9th hole, a blind tee shot over a sizable hill.
At the top of the hill, which provides a stunning vista of the 9th fairway, the Irish sea and the town of Newcastle nestled under the beautiful Mourne Mountains, we caddies routinely offer to take a photo of our players. I turned to Nick to offer, but he wasn’t there. I then turn back toward the mountains and Nick is on his side doing a deliberate roly-poly down the hill yelling ‘weeeeeeeeee!’.
He wasn’t even drunk, he was just a child in a man’s body. I maintain he’s the only man to ever do such a feat in the 100+ year history of Royal County Down.
BANGZOOM!
As caddies, we care more about the ‘craic’ more so than the quality of player. I’d rather have a terrible player who is there to have some fun over a quality player who takes things too seriously.
Every so often, both boxes are ticked by a fourball. We had a group of four Americans when I was about 14. They told myself and my friend Karl the rules on the first tee – if someone makes a birdie you must jump in the air, launch your hat into the sky and scream ‘BANGZOOM’ as loud as you can.
When the first birdie dropped on the opening hole, a reachable Par 5, I hesitated to celebrate. The four players jubilantly threw their caps into the sky and bellowed ‘BANGZOOM!!!’
For the rest of the round, all eight of us in the group willed every birdie putt towards the hole in the hope of celebrating another bird. They were good players, so hats flew into the sky rather regularly. The guys had so much fun in the morning they decided to take us out on the Annesley Links, the second course, in the search for more birdies. My throat hurt by the end of the day but it remains one of my favourite days I’ve had on the course. It was as childish and it was beautiful, a euphoric celebration myself and fellow caddies in that group pay homage to to this day.
