For young males battling depression or heightened anxiety, Christmas can be a really testing time of year that can lead to some very dark thoughts and worrying actions.
Picture perfect relationships on every advert and cheery friends all enjoying a drink without a care in the world are plastered all over our television screens.
This can all lead to a sensory overload and feelings of being inadequate or inescapably desperate.
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It is heartbreaking when you hear of young males going missing, or worse, not coming home after making an irreversible decision.
I’ve been thinking about these scenarios since early December when I was coming home from the hospital with my first child.
It made me think back to my late teens and early twenties - a period of deep and dark depression that included a Christmas suicide attempt that took almost a decade to get over.
Like many young guys, I became caught up in the unrealistic goal of having everything figured out at age 17, the perfect girlfriend and unlimited resources at my disposal despite my part-time job in a now bust suit company and an acne filled face.
I’d gone out to Cav nightclub before the last week of school - being six foot three with a bushy beard it meant I could get away with fake IDs that looked nothing like me - and this led to an overconsumption of cheap alcopops and multiple rejections from older women out of my league.
Of course the above was not the reason for my now inconceivable decision to try to take my own life when I returned home - there was more at play although I did not realise it at the time, a complex mix of confusion, delusion and a deep sadness that stemmed from unprocessed childhood trauma.
But what is all too common, is that the festive season somehow manages to remove the lid that young men keep atop of their emotions all year, whether it is the excessive drinking or feeling of loneliness that can often creep in despite being surrounded by friends and family.
I remember coming home from the hospital and having my old man try to reason with me, explaining that life gets easier and that sometimes, for no rhyme or reason, young men feel horrific throughout their formative years.
The words leaving his mouth made no sense to me, how could he possibly understand that this is a period that will pass, that I will one day look back on and think “he was right.”
But that is exactly what I think today at the ripe sage age of 29 going on 30.
The very next year things did start to get better. Despite underperforming in my exams due to the depression, I took a chance on applying for a university spot down in Kent - an experience that changed my life and opened up the world.
From there I met an amazing support group of friends to go with those I cherished at home, but more importantly, it is where I met my now soon to be wife.
Fast forward to Christmas 2022 and we have welcomed our first child, our son Otis into our home along with our beloved border collie Ché.
When we were driving home from the hospital that night I had an epiphany, what my father was saying was to trust his own lived experience, that although everything seems major in our teenage years or early twenties, it pales in comparison to what we will achieve if we persevere and overcome.
That is not to say that those who have suicidal thoughts are weak in any way or that they fail to have an intelligence to see the bigger picture.
That just demeans what it is to be depressed - depression is an all consuming curse that forces you to become trapped in a cruel tunnel vision that only allows you to perceive the darkness in life.
It can feel like a straitjacket that stops you from manoeuvring beyond the difficulties that you are conjuring up within your mind.
But if you persevere, if you do sacrifice and continue to put one foot in front of the other, make your bed in the morning, talk to friends about how you are feeling, then the world will start to become brighter and make more sense.
It took me over a decade to come to terms with masculinity, what matters in life to me and what should be seen as important, so do not despair if you feel as though you are running in treacle for a while.
In all honesty it was not until I landed a role in local journalism before a tide began to turn.
It may sound silly or trivial but looking back on the moments I’d have lost, from romantic trips to Capri and Munich with my fiancée, to boys trips abroad to Frankfurt, and of course heartwarming moments with family and friends such as weddings and celebrations, it feels surreal.
So my advice to any young men out there is to say that despite how insurmountable your depression feels at this time, it will and does get better, continue to seek help through those close to you and speak your local GP, but know that you will make it to a brighter future.
The sun will rise again and it is always worth remembering that.
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