I survived a stroke during an ocean swim. Here’s what I’ve learned about fear

‘I assumed I already knew what fear felt like – I had surfed in rough conditions before, saved lives in the ocean and pursued plenty of adventure in my early years – but this was different’: Graham Russell. Photograph: Blake Sharp-Wiggins/The Guardian

Looking out over the ocean, I would watch the waves sparkling in the sunlight as they grew and spilled into a burst of froth. It was a fun way to relax, to breathe deep and enjoy an awesome display of energy. But lately it had become exhausting.

In winter last year I tore the lining of an artery in my neck during a rough ocean swim off the Central Coast of New South Wales. It caused a stroke while I was in the water, which saw me scrambling back to shore where a surfer noticed me and sounded the alarm. Six months later, the injury had healed, and my motor functions were all back to normal. But as I prepared for a dip in calm conditions on a sunny day in January, I paused. An unexpected journey into fear began.