It’s Easter, which means hot cross bun season is almost over. While some people are often absolutely ratchet over the prospect of these delicious bread buns being hoisted into shops a week after Christmas, I for one, welcome our bready overlords. Unfortunately, Easter Sunday will also see the end of 2023s hot cross bun era, but it’s not without some controversy.
I was living life, free and without fear, until I stumbled across a post. A stark and disturbing discovery: some people microwave their hot cross buns. It can’t be true. It just can’t.
For science, I put a poll up on my Instagram: fresh, toasted, or microwaved hot cross buns? I expected a landslide towards toasted, which is what I mostly got with a whopping 68% of respondees saying they toast the fk out of their cute little buns.
A measly 12% said they opted for their buns fresh.
But the remaining 20%? That’s where the real sick fuck energy comes in. They don’t toast their buns. Hell, they don’t even eat them fresh. 20% of people MICROWAVE them.
To discover this on Good Friday? More like the-worst-fkn-Friday-I’ve-ever-experience Friday. Honestly, I’m projectile vomiting at even the thought of it.
So, as a true journalist with an inherent desire to uncover the lives of the most decrepit and twisted among us, I set out to talk to them. Why do their microwave their hot cross buns? And what the fuck is wrong with them?
Joshua, 26, has extremely strong feelings about hot cross buns, criticising the popular toasting tactic for allegedly uneven heating. “A microwave will give you a soft hot cross bun warmed through, and that includes appropriately warmed raisins. None of the dicey burned bits that come with toasters.”
He also praised the microwaving technique for it’s alleged ability to spread butter better. “Microwaving means that the necessary application of liberal amounts of butter tends to be uneven.”
“Prior to now, I have always worked in an office, where we aren’t trusted to have a toaster for health and safety reasons,” Josh said. “I laugh at the fools using the toasted sandwich maker as I listen to the sweet sound of the microwave warming my hot cross bun thoroughly.”
But Michael, 25, admits that his instinct to microwave his hot cross buns is likely a trauma response.
“I microwave hot cross buns because it’s all I’ve ever known. Perhaps it’s a trauma response.”
“I probably snack on a hot cross bun once every ten years, so like a caveman with an electric toothbrush, I have no idea what the rules and norms are. Microwave easy. Microwave quick. Hot cross bun delicious and warm.”
While I have to sympathise with him — after all, if you don’t have someone teaching you how to bun best, how can you be expected to learn? — I can’t help but criticise his logic.
Yes, it’s important to have a warm hot cross bun, but it’s just as equally important to ensure your bun is not soggy. Unfortunately, sogginess is synonymous with microwaves.
The concern of heat seemed to be a recurring factor in respondees.
“Microwaving them is super convenient — 15-20 seconds and it’s ready to go,” Chloe from Sydney argued.
“Nice and hot. You can then put some Nuttelex and jam [on them] and there you go. No need to wait for the oven to heat up. Can even do it in the kitchenette at work. Trust me. It truly is superior.”
Trust someone who heats their hot cross buns up in a microwave? Uh, I don’t think so, babe.
While it’s clear to most of the world that Chloe’s system is clearly wrong, there seems to be a misconception that the only way to toast a hot cross bun is via the oven — an assumption that is just blatantly wrong.
All you need is the humble toaster. There’s a reason why it’s a classic for all our crisp, bready needs — it’s efficient, quick, and will leave your bread with a nice, even brownness.
While one might initially be intimidated by the concept of putting their hot cross buns in the toaster on account of its size, it’s actually far easier than you might think. Simply cut your bun in half and put it in the damn toaster.
Unfortunately, some microwavers just couldn’t grapple with this science, including Jacob, 30.
“Toasting it well is difficult with a toaster because it burns too quickly and dries it out,” he said. There is a reason why there’s a cancel button, but I digress. “The sugar content means it burns super quick if you aren’t watching closely.”
“I can’t be bothered to toast it in the oven which would probably work better, but to be honest, it dries out too much for my tastes either way. Slice in half, a pat of butter, and 40 seconds in the microwave for gooey deliciousness.”
Interestingly, Jacob agrees that a toast is essential to the ideal hot cross bun experience, stating “Ideally, a quick toast and brief microwave probably gets the best balance between light crisp and still moist vibe.”
Maddie, 30, agreed. “It’s a blend. Obvs toasted is best, but I pop it in the microwave when I’m lazy and just wanna melt the butter.”
While my conversations with the microwaves did provide me with some extra information about their motives, I can’t help but feel a little uneasy about the whole thing. For my whole life, I’ve operated under the assumption that people just toasted their hot cross buns, or at the very least, rawdogged them fresh if they were in a rush.
To think that a human would opt into a soggy, mushy mess isn’t just wrong — it’s downright distressing.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully grapple with it, but the plus side is that we only have to live with the tension for the next few days until the controversy is packed away for another year.
