My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for two months but despite having an erection for the duration of foreplay, I can’t maintain it. With previous partners, I developed a habit of receiving head right before we had sex and maintaining an erection was never a problem. It seems my new partner is not into oral sex though. I guess I can’t stay erect without oral sex? I find my girlfriend very attractive, and there are strong sensual feelings and love between us. Why is this happening? What is the reason for losing erections and maintaining it only via oral sex?
Start by analysing the exact feelings you experience when receiving oral sex compared to how it feels to penetrate. Many people become conditioned to a particular type of sensation that maintains arousal and find it difficult to switch to a different feeling. Sometimes, this is linked to a person’s earlier masturbation style – especially if the associated sensations that preceded ejaculation were fundamentally different from the feelings of intercourse. With the help of your partner, it would be worth being creative and experimental about timing and sensation – and to try various ways to bridge the sensation – but that is only part of the challenge. You have become so focused on performance that a self-fulfilling prophecy has been set up whereby your fear of “failure” is making it less likely that you will maintain an erection. Forget about achievement and try to simply focus on pleasure and sensation, and on giving your girlfriend pleasure too. It is OK to lose your erection and start again. Two months is not a long time in sexual relationship terms. You just need more relaxed time to figure this out.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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