My wife and I are in our mid-50s and have been married for nearly 30 years. Around four years ago my wife stopped having orgasms when we had sex, and told me that she would now take responsibility for her own orgasms. This involved buying a vibrator and masturbating when I’m not around. She says this is the only way she can climax. I have suggested that we try to do this together, but my wife won’t agree to this. Even though we still have sex together, I am left feeling inadequate and selfish afterwards. I suspect she would rather not bother with our lovemaking at all. The thought of never seeing her climax again is really sad, but am I overthinking it? Should I just enjoy what’s on offer and leave her to her private orgasms?
I’m sorry that you are experiencing such a change in your erotic connection, and I can understand that it is a profound loss for you. It seems that this is a fairly new situation and given time you may be able to negotiate a little more access, but for now I suggest you leave her be. Taking responsibility for one’s own orgasm is something many women need to do – both during partner sex and when alone – and it does not necessarily reflect a partners’ technique or adequacy although that is often his fear. And there are many reasons why a woman might decide to withdraw as your wife has done, usually to allow herself to reach orgasm without distraction. Try not to take it personally, and instead of feeling selfish during intercourse, just enjoy it fully.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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