Martin Eggleston’s wishes for Father’s Day tomorrow are simple ones. A cup of coffee in bed, a card and a sunny walk with his three children.
“I don’t need any grand gestures or gifts. Just spending time with the children is enough for me, they bring me so much joy,” says Martin.
“But, as with every special day or milestone in our family life, there will be a poignancy too, because two important people are missing. My two wives – and the children’s mums – Jane and Kirsty.”
Martin’s journey to being a solo father of three has been a tragic one.
Widowed twice within seven years, the 50-year-old is now dad, stepdad and sole carer to his own daughter Amy, 16, from his first marriage to Jane, and to Daniel, 17, and Luke, 11, who are the sons of his late second wife Kirsty.
“I vividly remember after Kirsty’s death in 2020 the realisation of who I was now, and the responsibility I carried. It hit me with such force it was overwhelming.
“Back then, I really had no idea how I would cope. However, we have not only coped together, we have thrived, as a family of four and I am so proud of all of us.”
Martin first experienced the devastating pain of losing a spouse in February 2014, when Jane died, six years after she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
“We were set up on a date by a mutual friend in 1999, and married in 2002. Four years later, Amy was born, and we lived a very happy, normal life together until the day Jane found a lump in her left breast.”
He adds: “She had chemo, radiotherapy and surgery, and spent 18 months in remission before the cancer returned and it was terminal.
“She died aged 45, and I became a single father to Amy, who was then aged seven.”
At first, Martin says, he had no interest in finding a new relationship.
“I couldn’t imagine ever opening myself up to someone again after the pain of losing Jane.
“Plus, I thought, who would want me? I was 41, widowed, with a child. I had a lot of baggage.
“Jane had given me her blessing to meet someone but initially I just didn’t see that happening.”
Then, in 2015, Martin, from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, was on an online forum for the bereaved and began talking with Kirsty, a widowed mum of two boys aged nine and two.
Chatting online progressed to meeting, and the pair began to go on dates with the children, to make sure they could all get along.
In March 2016, Martin and Kirsty married, and honeymooned in California with all three children.
“We became a blended family and I couldn’t have been happier. I’d never wanted Amy to be an only child but cancer had stopped Jane and I having a sibling for her.
“So to now have two brothers for her was amazing.
“Kirsty and I applied for parental responsibility for each other’s children, and for all intents I became dad to Daniel and Luke.” However, in December 2019, Martin’s world fell apart for a second time when Kirsty discovered a lump in her right breast.
“I felt it and my heart sank. I knew it was cancer. I could barely take in that this was happening again,” says Martin.
Tragically, Kirsty’s cancer was fast growing and despite treatment she passed away a year after diagnosis, aged 47, in December 2020.
“I sank into a dark hole,” admits Martin. “To realise I had lost not one, but two women I loved, and was now responsible for three children, all of them grieving again, was overwhelming. The first year was very tough. I kept going, because I had to for the sake of the children, but I was just surviving, nothing more.
“As time passed though I realised we all deserved better. I’d witnessed the sorrow that both Jane and Kirsty had felt knowing they wouldn’t be around to see their children grow up.
“But I had that opportunity which had been stolen from them.
“I was still here and it was down to me to hold us together and live the very best, and fullest, life we could.
“And that is what we have done, with support from family, friends, and the Widowed And Young charity.” WAY provides a support network for anyone aged 50 and under who has lost a partner. Martin, who works as a tour guide, says
that he is now looking forward to spending summer with the family, starting with Father’s Day tomorrow.
“My mantra is ‘the good times are now’ because I know how quickly life can change. I am there for them and they are there for me, we are a unit.
“Without them, I can’t imagine how bleak my life would be.
“Fatherhood is what saved me from the darkness of losing the love of my life, twice. And to be raising these three brave people is such a privilege. I am the luckiest dad.”
* For support and advice, go to www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
