Dear Coleen
I’m a 40-year-old woman married to man who’s just turned 65. We met when I was 25 and he was a very young, dynamic 50 year old (recently divorced) and we fell madly in love. He was such a handsome, fun guy, so when he proposed I didn’t think twice.
We had two children together, who are nine and 12. We adore them and they keep us very busy. But things aren’t going well in the marriage and the problems have been going on for about a year.
He’s just become very annoying and we never want to do the same things any more. The age gap never used to be a problem, but I think it is now.
To make matters worse, he decided to retire recently, as he can afford to do that, but now he’s just around the house all day, every day and it’s doing my head in. He helps out with the kids a lot more, which has been good, but I’m starting to see him in a new light and it’s not a flattering one!
I find myself wishing he’d just get out of the house and do something, which I know sounds awful, but we bicker a lot when we’re together and I need some space.
I’m not sure now that we’ll go the distance, which is sad. Have you any thoughts?
Coleen says
I think there can be a tipping point in relationships with a big age gap when the older partner finds themselves in a very different stage of life.
However in your case, it might be more to do with your husband’s retirement than the age gap. I get a lot of letters from people who are really struggling with retirement and getting on each other’s nerves.
Rather than running away from it, face it and talk to him about how you’re feeling. You might just need your own space sometimes and that’s fine. Make sure you see your friends and have some fun outside of the relationship.
But don’t avoid the conversation – tell him you’re finding it hard at home because you’re together all the time and it’s not doing much for your romantic life. Think about whether there’s anything you could do together that would be fun and remind him that he’s 65, not 85.
Create opportunities to spend time as a couple – go off for the weekend or schedule in some date nights. It might not be the end of the road for the marriage – you might just have lost your way.
I think it’s more about attitude than age. I know some couples who are the same age, but one partner seems much older because of how they look at life.
Relationships aren’t cut and dried, they’re ever changing and it’s about navigating that journey together.
Talk about what you want from the future.
