Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 40s and split from my husband about 18 months ago. The separation and divorce process has been horrible and I’ve felt totally broken at times.
It was his decision to leave and his reasons at the time were that he’d fallen out of love, the relationship felt hard and he was unhappy. He didn’t want to try counselling and that was that. He moved out and I stayed in the family home with our two children who are 10 and 12.
It’s had a huge impact on them. My daughter is struggling at school and getting into trouble and my son just won’t talk about any of it. They see my husband most weekends, but find it difficult as we’re not on speaking terms and only text each other with arrangements for the kids.
Anyway, my problem now is that my husband called last week out of the blue to tell me that he’d been seeing my best friend and they were planning to move in together soon. He wanted me to hear it from him directly instead of from someone else. Is he expecting a pat on the back?
I’m now sure she was the reason for our marriage ending. I literally don’t know what to do with this information – it’s set me back months and I feel so betrayed.
My friend hasn’t been around much recently – obviously the guilt became too much – and I haven’t been able to bring myself to call her.
I’d love some wisdom on how I can get through this.
Coleen says
Nothing I can say will ease the pain and anger you feel right now. What you’re feeling is natural but you have to get through it. Lean on your support network and have counselling.
Two people you loved have let you down, but all I can promise you, and I hope you believe me, is that it will get better. And then you will be able to look at what happened from a different perspective and genuinely feel glad to have moved beyond these people.
You do have to be careful with the kids and I say this from experience. Be careful what you say about your ex in front of them and if you do see him keep it civil if the kids are there, too.
It’s hard when you feel so hurt, but you have to be strong and ensure your kids know that both of you still love them, even though you’ve fallen out of love. Never use the kids to hurt your ex, as they’ll be the ones struggling with the damage for years to come.
Get your frustration and anger out in counselling. I resisted it to begin with when my first marriage broke down, but it changed my life. I could cry, scream and say all the stuff I couldn’t say in front of my kids.
As for your ex best friend, I don’t think confronting her will make you feel better. If she contacts you, tell her she’s welcome to him, but that she’s lost your friendship and you hope it’s worth it.