AS a firm believer in the old adage, “if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out”, I never get too upset when folk take a pop at yours truly.
Just as well, I suppose, as they take so many pops I sometimes feel like a big, fat roll of bubblewrap. Oh yes, dear reader, if I had a pound for every time I’ve heard someone insisting I’ve got the perfect face for radio, well, I’d be able to fill my car with diesel and pay a portion of next month’s gas bill.
On second thoughts, I’d probably just fork out on plastic surgery for that big Halloween cake coupon at the top of the page. I hate it, though, when they have a dig at my friends or work colleagues.
Like, for example, Strictly star Kaye Adams. When my BBC Scotland chum performed her first dance on the show last weekend, I got an email from an Off The Ball listener who said: “Tam, if you’ve got the perfect face for radio, I think it’s fair to say Kaye’s got the perfect FEET for radio…”
And I can assure you I didn’t laugh. No way. Not at all. As if.
Sure, Kaye’s the second worst dancer I’ve ever seen (remember Theresa May at the Tory party conference?) and, if she went to the discos in her home town of Grangemouth back in the day, a fiver says the handbags danced around HER. Let’s be brutally honest, even Holly and Phil wouldn’t jump a queue to watch her in action.
But listen – she’s a pal, a colleague and I’ll be cheering for her all the way on Strictly until she gets voted off this weekend. A word of support, too, for another Radio Scotland chum, Connie McLaughlin, who stood in for Kaye last week on the morning phone-in show.
Just before I switched over to Ken Bruce (well, you cannae miss Pop Master), the topic was Tourette’s Syndrome and Connie, presumably hoping to be awarded the George Cross for bravery, spoke down the line – LIVE – to someone with the condition.
Take it I don’t need to tell you what happened next? Let’s just say I thought the poor lassie – due to give birth next January – was about to go into early labour…
(For the first seven years of my marriage, I thought my wife had Tourette’s. Nope, turns out I AM a ****.) Meanwhile, I’ve zero sympathy for yet another BBC mucker – top current affairs presenter Martin Geissler.
He let rip on Twitter this week after reporting on the Labour Party conference from a horse-box. Yes, look at the pics… a HORSE-BOX! Calm doon, mate. If it was good enough for Eddie “Mare”…
I also wish Mark Lawrenson would zip it. The former Match of the Day pundit has blasted the “woke” BBC for dumping him because he’s “65 and a white male”. Oh please! Can I remind you that Stuart Cosgrove’s 93?
Joking aside, what age is Sir David Attenborough? When the dinosaurs were wiped out, I bet he was looking for an alibi. Finally, folks, a mention for one other (part-time) BBC pal.
Scotland goalkeeper Craig Gordon – a hero once again on Tuesday night – often pops into the studios for a shift on Sportscene and I’d like to congratulate the big man (and his missus, of course) on the birth of his baby boy. And why did he call the wee man Axel? That’s precisely what we asked our listeners on the Off The Ball Sunday Supplement.
My top three suggestions?
-Still playing club and international football at the age of 39, he was two-tyred to think of another name.
-He called the wean Axel as he doesn’t want the wheels coming off his relationship.
-He asked Scotland boss Stevie Clarke how to spell ‘Alex’…
PS. Football footnote: former Hibs striker Jason Cummings scored on his international debut for Australia in a 2-0 win v New Zealand and he dedicated his goal to Carlos – his pet bulldog back home in Scotland.
Jason said (and I swear I’m not making this up): “Carlos, if you’re listening to this interview, if you’re reading this, I love you so much.” Bet he’s relieved he wasn’t pulled in for a post-match drugs test.
PPS. One final BBC-related story. Gavin and Stacey star Ruth Jones was left furious at her mother-in-law’s funeral when a mourner used her catchphrase and asked her: “What’s occurring?” Her co-star James Corden was also furious. It was tea and biscuits only at the purvey.
Lookalike of the week
Bruno Mars and Councillor Murray from Only Fools and Horses. Uncanny!
The name is up for Farage but Lauren is the lager tops
After it became “extinct” in 2020 when no babies born in the UK were called Nigel, 373 of them met in a pub in Worcestershire last week to celebrate their name and, by all accounts, they had a great night. Until Mr Farage turned up…
Meanwhile, to help pay the bills at her Huddersfield pub, landlady Lauren Beers (great name!) is posing topless for X-rated subscription site Only Fans. I might pop down for a couple of jugs.
PS. The Macallan’s oldest whisky - the Reach single malt - has been released after 82 years maturing. Distilled in 1940, it’s presented in a crystal decanter set on a bronze sculpture of three hands.
And Lidl are doing their version for £6.99.
Lew would believe Capaldi wasn't in 101-year-old paper
While renovating a house in Glasgow, Kim McFarlane was “stunned” to find a 101-year-old newspaper under the flooring. Aye, there was nothing about Lewis Capaldi in it…
Nah, listen, guess which paper it was? Yep, a 1921 edition of your very own Daily Record.
Wonder what Joan Burnie had to say about the Treaty of Berlin…? I was personally stunned this week when I read that a Japanese firm is planning to launch a flying car by 2025.
Sorry, but didn’t Ant McPartlin beat them to it?
A flying car? Aye right. Good luck if your engine conks out at 30,000ft…
Courting laughs
The news that even our barristers are on strike shocked my wee Airdrie pal who said: “Where will I go now for my morning coffee?” Grim times, eh?
Here’s a 2022 version of The Two Ronnies…
Ronnie B: “Four candles.”
Ronnie C: “Fork handles?”
Ronnie B: “No, four candles. Have you seen my f****** electricity bill?”
Thought for the Week
If vegetables are so good, why are vegans always trying to make them taste like meat? And here’s another puzzler: how the f*** can fruit flies thrive in Scotland???
There’s been a plague of fruit flies in Glasgow for weeks. So I take it they don’t actually EAT the stuff? I was also confused by a story about a 47-year-old seabird being identified by its ring.
I thought you could only do that with trees…
My fave funny photos of the week
Kaye Adams after her first dance on Strictly
Holly & Phil skip another queue – at Wembley for an England game.
I wish folk would stop moaning about the cost of living. A packet of mince is exactly the same price as last year.
When you have your first pee after a night on the beer.
I was ready to try Sober October, until I saw how happy alcohol is to see me…
Text jokes of the week
-US singer 50 Cent has announced he’ll now be known in the UK as 1 Pound.
-If Jesus was a Tory, would he have tried to feed the 5000 with a single 70p bag of oatmeal from Tesco?
-I’m chilling with the wife tonight. I’ve switched off the central heating.
-On the ferry to Ireland, you can now use the toilet and pay later. That’s pee and owe.
-Before we get to November, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month, I’m doing Octoblerone.
-WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone, so I’ve downloaded something called The Bugs Bunny to fix it. It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
-A guy in the bookies yesterday asked if I wanted the winner of the next race. But I politely declined as I’ve only got a small garden.
-My dad always says an apple a day keeps the doctor away. And it must be true because he’s been on a waiting list for the last five years.
-My neighbour was crying while mowing his lawn, so I asked him if everything was okay. “I’m fine,” he sniffed. “I’m just going through a rough patch.”
-The man who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at his funeral.
-My four-year-old son has been learning Spanish for a few months and he still can’t say ‘please’. Which I think is poor for four…
-My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. I didn’t even know he could play cricket.
-I went to a psychic last week and, when I knocked on her door, she said: “Who is it?” So I left…
-If you’ve got a problem with mice at home, try using WD40. It won’t get rid of them, but it does stop them squeaking.
-Phil Oakey was the lead singer of 80s pop band The Human League, but nobody ever mentions his sister, Carrie, who invented bad singing in pubs.
-I bought a packet of those animal-shaped cookies last week and I had to take them back to the shop. The seal was broken.
-TV trivia: did you know that Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes…?
-After deciding to throw out all my Burt Bacharach LPs, I just don’t know what to do with my shelf.
-Ornithologists in Peru have discovered that local owls hunt in pairs. They’re Inca hoots.
-The doctor told me I have low blood pressure, so he’s given me a prescription for two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
-My actor friend has been cast for the leading role in a silent version of Oliver. “I’m ecstatic!” he said. “I couldn’t ask for more.”
-Sex before marriage is considered a sin. After marriage, it’s a miracle.
And finally
The humble potato has been voted Britain’s all-time favourite vegetable. Hard lines, Boris.
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