Dear Coleen
I’m in my 30s with two young children and I’ve recently gone through a horrible divorce. Over the past few months I’ve been online dating, but every time I meet a guy I like they go cold on me once we’ve slept together.
I’m starting to get paranoid and feel pretty used. Maybe my dating radar is really off after being married nearly 10 years and I’m picking the wrong men, but it’s demoralising.
My friends tell me to keep going and I will meet someone who’s right eventually, but I don’t know if I have it in me. It just feels like such an effort.
My ex didn’t do anything for my confidence. I found out he had a younger lover in Ibiza and his so-called business trips were just an excuse to see her. He’s now living with her over there pretty much full time.
I’m confused about what to do next. I do have a circle of good friends who’ve been amazing through the divorce, providing emotional support and help with the kids. But I feel I need something for me and want to move on properly from my car crash of a marriage.
Coleen says
I think you’re putting all your eggs in one basket here and expecting a man to come along and sort out how you feel and make your life better.
When my second marriage ended, I gave myself the opportunity to enjoy the freedom of not being tied to someone. I realised I had to work on myself and had to learn to be on my own again.
My self-worth and confidence were at rock bottom and I had to rebuild that before contemplating dating again. I had to get to know myself again first. So, learn to love you before loving someone else.
It sounds like you’re going on dates, thinking “this could be my next life partner”, and you might even be giving off that vibe.
When I felt ready, I joined up to dating apps, met guys, went for lunches and dinners. I had fun and it helped with my confidence, even though most of those men weren’t right for me. Think of dating as a fun, social thing and you won’t feel so upset when it doesn’t work out.
And stop blaming yourself when a guy ghosts you. Just because it doesn’t lead to anything, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. A lot of people are just after fun hook ups, not anything serious.
But if you’re confident in who you are and what you want, you’ll read the situation better and make different choices. You’ll feel more in control.
