A parenting expert has claimed the secret to having happy children is not setting bedtimes for them.
Kirsty Ketley was a nanny for 25 years and had to follow strict routines handed down by parents - such as the '7 until 7' routine. But when the 42-year-old mum-of-two had her first child, she realised sticking to the same sleep pattern every day was nearly impossible.
Kirsty's daughter Ella, now aged nine, was born prematurely in 2013 and she and husband Stuart, 41, soon realised bedtimes should be "more child led while keeping some structure". The couple have no set bedtime for Ella, and Leo, now six, instead react to how tired the kids are or how busy they've been during the day, reports Wales Online.
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Instead, Kirsty, who now runs her own sleep consultancy business, reckons the key is to always maintain the same pre-bed routine. In her kids' case, this means no screens for the 30 minutes before bed, reading a book and dimming the lights.
She said: “I do see the merit and routine for children, because it does obviously help them thrive, and bedtime routines are good, but I think parents can focus too much on a set time that the children have to be asleep. When my daughter was born prematurely my view of how parenting was going to be totally changed.
"Although she was a good sleeper, sometimes she wasn't ready to sleep at seven o'clock and it didn't matter how much I tried to do a routine. It does cause more stress and I was just getting more and more frustrated with it all.
"So I just tried to be a bit more child led while still keeping some structure. I was a nanny for many many years and had various parenting books given to me to follow over the years for parents who wanted certain routines for their children, for example the seven till seven, sleeping routine. That might be fine for them but often the children would get stressed around bedtime.”
Kirsty also makes sure the kids avoid watching television for 45 minutes before bed. She said: “There has been research to show that watching television right to the last minute before bed isn't necessarily going to promote good sleep. We all know that as adults if we’re scrolling on our phones before bed it can impact our sleep and it’s the same with children.
“Creating 45 minutes to an hour before bedtime is usually what I would recommend for screens off, but of course sometimes that doesn't always happen in our house. At least aim for half an hour to read books, with the lights dimmed slightly for a calm atmosphere."
Ella and Leo have always been good sleepers although there were issues when they went through illnesses when they were younger. “The first two years of any child's life are always the worst for most parents," said Kirsty.
"There's always an illness so you think you've just cracked it and then they've got something else. So that obviously impacts their sleep. That's why not having a set bedtime is quite useful because I find it easier to get into a routine of self settling. Particularly older children can learn their own techniques for self-soothing in the night if they can’t sleep."
Kirsty also said it is important to treat each child as an individual with different sleeping patterns. "My daughter used to be quite an early riser and this is partly why we realised we didn't need to be too strict on a planned bedtime as well," she said.
"We realised that she actually survived really well just on 10 hours sleep. Of course all the books and things would always tell you your child needs you know 12 hours sleep. But even now she can go to bed around nine o'clock and sleeps for 10 hours, and she thrives really well on that.
“However, my son is more of a 12 hour sleeper and we figured that out when he was younger that he needed more sleep. It's just very individual; they both had the same upbringing, I've done the same things, but both of them are very different in how they sleep.”
Kirsty’s top tips for developing a relaxing sleep routine:
- Try not to fixate on exact timings but do maintain a clear routine
- Read stories with your children
- Turn screens off an hour before bed
- Play relaxing music before bed such as children’s lullabies
- Teach your child mindfulness breathing techniques to help them self-settle
- Go through the alphabet, thinking of four girls’ names and four boys’ names for each letter - usually Kirsty’s children are asleep by 'G'.
- Make sure rooms are not too hot or cold
- Include a warm bath or shower in the night-time routine
- Use dimmer lighting in the room before bed
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