If you're a fellow cat parent, there are likely some thoughts that run through your head so frequently that you feel like they've been permanently tattooed on your brain.
Alongside some common ones – like whether you should cave and invest in yet another one of the best cat toys for your feline friend – there are plenty of other random and comical thoughts that can spring to mind when you live life alongside a kitty companion.
From the ones that pop into my head when my cats are doing something they shouldn't to those thoughts that make me laugh out loud when they're doing something mischievous, here are just some of the phrases that go through my mind as the owner of Roxy and Teddy...
1. Please don't eat that
Some cats are entirely disinterested in putting human food or inanimate objects into their mouths – and then there are cats (like our seven-month-old kitten, Teddy) who will literally devour anything they can get their paws on.
Cardboard? Delicious. String? Sure, it may get stuck in my stomach but let's find out. That bit of cheese that's left on the kitchen counter? Technically I'm lactose intolerant but I'll worry about the effects of that later.
Those are Teddy's thoughts by the way. My line of thought is a much more repetitive 'Please don't eat that!' When it comes to reasons to train your cat, preventing them from eating things they shouldn't is at the top of the list.
2. I can't believe you just ate that
If we're lucky, we'll catch our cats in the act of eyeing up something they know they shouldn't be eating before they get a chance to make a move – but sometimes we turn our backs for a second, and by the time we spot them they're already halfway through devouring the scrambled eggs we've just lovingly prepared for our dinner.
I've lost count of the times I've shook my head and thought 'I can't believe you just ate that' after finding Teddy whisker and paw deep in the butter dish. Oh, and by the way, that's usually minutes after she's just devoured a bowl of the best kitten food!
3. Don't even think about jumping up on that counter
I know, counter-surfing is meant to be a dog thing, right? But if you have a cat in the family then you know that our feline friends are prone to this behavior, too. While not all cats will jump up on the counter, many do, which when you think about it, does make sense.
Cats love being up high and there's an extra incentive for those who adore human food – there's often a tasty morsel or two up for grabs when meals are being prepared. The good news is, when it comes to the question of whether you can train a cat, the answer is that you absolutely can. With a bit of time, patience, and consistency, you may be able to rid yourself of this particular thought once and for all.
4. The dishwasher is not a vending machine
Did someone say food scraps? While licking the dirty plates in the dishwasher is often thought of as something dogs do, many cats will also get in on the action given half a chance!
5. You're totally melting my heart right now
While cats certainly bring with them their fair share of chaos – especially if you have a high-maintenance cat breed – most of us will forgive our feline friends just about anything because they also bring so much joy. There are so many times when my cats are curled up beside me purring away or in a deep sleep complete with adorable nose whistles that I find myself looking at them and thinking about just how much they melt my heart.
6. I bought you a lovely bed but of course you’re sleeping on the cold floor, makes sense
When it comes to the best cat beds, there are so many wonderful options to choose from but if you're anything like me, you may have given up on buying them. When we added Teddy to our family, I bought a variety of different beds only to have her choose to spend her first night on the cold floor!
While she now loves sleeping in her cat hammock, she still spends a huge chunk of the day lying in various doorways or at my feet while I work. And all those cat beds? Happily gathering dust in our living room.
7. Forget children, you are a full-time job
If you have a low-energy cat breed, then this one might not apply to you, but honestly, sometimes I find myself thinking that our kids are less work than our cats!
8. There is no sound in the world more soothing than your purr
If you find your cat's purr therapeutic, you're not alone. Many research studies, including one conducted in Japan and published in the Journal Animals, has shown that spending just 10 minutes a day with a cat can reduce our levels of stress and promote a feeling of calm. This is particularly true if we're sitting quietly with a cat and either stroking them or listening to them purr. The vibration of a cat's purr has been proven to have a soothing effect on our nervous system.
9. I love you more than most humans
Do you love your cat more than most humans? If so, you're in good company. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike people, I'm just a huge introvert who finds animals easier to deal with. I love that we have a whole different way of communicating with our feline friends that defies words. Plus, cats are non-judgmental, love us for who we are, and enjoy quietly existing alongside us – except when it's dinner time that is, then they have plenty to say!
10. You climbed up there so you can get yourself down
I've lost count of the number of times Roxy has clambered up a tree in our backyard or onto a high shelf in the house and then started meowing in distress because she couldn't figure out how to get back down again. I didn't realize until recently that there's actually a reason for this.
It turns out that a cat's claws are shaped like fish hooks, which makes climbing up a tree, for example, very easy to do as their claws can easily grip the bark. Coming down, however, is not so simple because a cat's instinct is to climb down face first but their claws can't hook in at that angle. Hence the sudden panic on their part!
11. You look so sweet when you’re sleeping
If you have one of the sleepiest cat breeds, they probably spend most of the day with their eyes shut – but even active breeds will sleep for an average of 15 hours a day. And boy oh boy are cat sleep positions adorable! I'm surprised I ever get any work done as I spend a lot of time glancing over at Roxy and Teddy while they snooze and feeling my heart melt at the sight of how cute and peaceful they look.
12. You'd think I never fed you
My cats are far from starving. In fact, sometimes I think they eat more than I do! They get plenty of the best cat food every day and yet honestly, within seconds of wolfing it down, they're weaving their way in and out of my legs in an attempt to get another scoop of biscuits. Out of all the thoughts I have on a daily basis, this one is definitely one of the most frequent.
13. If I could stay here with you on my lap forever, I would
There's something special about affectionate cat breeds who love to snuggle – for starters, they're brilliant companions for those of us looking for a sweet and loving cuddle buddy. Roxy likes being around her humans, but being in the same room as us is enough for her.
Teddy, on the other hand, adores a fuss and will happily clamber up onto a warm lap for a short snooze. I always try to soak in those moments when my mind empties out and all I feel is the peace and calm that comes with having a purring kitty on my lap.
14. I’m not a scratching post, or a climbing frame
I may have the best cat scratching post and one of the best cat trees set up in the house but Teddy often finds it far more amusing to use her sharp kitten claws to clamber up my legs – especially when I'm cooking!
15. You are the most beautiful cat in the world
I'm sure most cat owners think this and perhaps I'm biased, but Teddy and Roxy are truly stunning cats. They'll often adopt a pose or wear an expression on their face that makes them look like they've wandered straight out of a stock image. I'm seriously considering calling Hellman's and seeing if they're in need of a new feline star for their next Super Bowl ad.
16. I just cleaned those sheets!
Honestly, I swear my cats know when I've just changed the bed sheets. That tends to be exactly the moment they'll venture in from the rain and decide to wander all over my nice clean white sheets with their dirty little paws. I've resigned myself to the fact that unless I want to get dark sheets, I'm likely to have a bed that's forever decorated with paw prints.
17. Next time you get me a gift, please make it something other than a rat….like chocolates, I like chocolates
So this year, Roxy went all out on my birthday. I didn't just get a mouse, I got a whole entire rat, brought very proudly into the house at 6am. Definitely not a birthday I'll forget! Whenever she brings me a gift, I take the time to thank her and give her a good fuss, but secretly I'm always thinking about how I'd love it if she brought me a box of chocolates instead.
18. Please stop fighting with your sister
When it comes to how to introduce a kitten to a cat, we followed every bit of professional guidance that's out there. We kept Roxy and Teddy separate for two weeks, did scent swapping, and then gradually introduced them through a door before slowly introducing them face to face.
We did this over a period of several months and while for the most part, Roxy tolerates Teddy fairly well, she'll certainly tell her off when she does something annoying – which given Teddy is still young, is fairly frequent.
19. If you could not chew my shoe laces while I’m trying to tie them, that would be fab
There are plenty of the best cat toys in our house but nothing holds a candle to a good pair of shoelaces! I have to lock Teddy away when we're putting our shoes on as it's impossible to get our laces tied up when she's around.
20. I love you, but I do not love cleaning up your poop
Do you hate cleaning up your cat's poop? I hear you. It's got to be one of the worst parts of being a cat owner and yet, it's an essential job that has to be done. Unless you have an outdoor-loving feline who's happy to go in the garden, you'll likely spend time each day scooping your cat's poop. Thankfully, there's now a brilliant range of automatic litter boxes on the market that will do the job for you.
21. That’s fine, I didn’t like that gorgeous mug anyway
There are things you only know if you're a cat owner – like just how much our feline friends enjoy knocking things off shelves and countertops! I'm almost positive it's done deliberately as a way to get attention, but given I have no hard proof of that, I'll have to give my cats the benefit of the doubt.
22. You never fail to put a smile on my face
Apart from my husband, nobody makes me laugh as much as our cats do. Whether they're tearing around the house with a case of the zoomies or sliding down curtains they shouldn't have been climbing in the first place, their endlessly amusing antics are forever brightening up my days.
23. Of course I don’t mind being woken up at 4am, who does?
I have a confession to make – I do not do well with being woken up. I think I might have been a bear in my last life who spent a lot of time hibernating because that's the only thing I can think of that would explain my grouchiness at having my sleep disturbed.
Roxy and Teddy both know this and yet they still enjoy sitting on my pillow at 4am prodding me with their paws in the hope I'll get up and feed them. Second confession – more often than not, they win.
24. Sure, I can work with you sprawled across my laptop, not a problem
What is it with cats and laptops? There are so many strange things cats do and this one is definitely at the top of the list. If you have a kitty in your family, you've likely had the experience of trying to work only to have your fur friend decide to take a nap on your keyboard. Perhaps it's their way of telling us we need a little bit more work/life balance in our day....or more likely, that they need a little more attention and affection.
25. I wonder what it would be like to own a piece of furniture without claw marks in it?
Tearing your hair out because your cat won't stop scratching your couch? You're not alone. How to keep cats from scratching furniture is one of the most common questions cat owners ask, so it's clear that sinking their claws into objects we'd prefer they didn't is a trait our feline friends all share.
The good news is that you can train your cat not to scratch your furniture with the help of a strategically placed scratching post and some anti-scratch cat tape.
26. “It’s just a short trip to the vet, everything will be fine.” You’ll actually come back without your ovaries but I’m sure as heck not telling you that.
Oh, the lies we tell our cats! When it comes to kitten care, one of the things we always highly recommend is neutering your pet. Neutering is so important as it helps prevent unwanted kittens and it can also put a stop to behaviors cats exhibit when they're in heat – such as yowling – and reduce the risk of certain cancers. We know that these procedures are good for our cats, but given how much most of our feline friends hate the vet, most of us say one thing (you'll be fine) and think another (please let them be fine).
27. Do you like me?
I know, it sounds rather insecure but this one is a super common thought amongst cat owners. There are so many sweet ways cats show affection, but if we're not well-versed in kitty communication, we may not realize that some of these ways (such as meowing or biting) are signs that our cats are really quite fond of us.
28. Do you like my partner more than you like me?
If you have a partner, you're probably very familiar with this thought! It's amazing how much we can worry that our beloved fur baby might prefer them over us. You may have spent ages coming up with reasons to convince your other half you need a pet, but once you finally have them, it's easy to worry that you might not be their favorite.
29. This is not going to end well
This thought plays over and over in my head on probably an hourly basis as I watch our two cats go about their usual series of misadventures. Whether they've misjudged a jump, clambered along a tree branch that's way too thin to support their weight, or tried to audition for Cirque Du Soleil by using the mantle piece as a balance beam, there are so many things in our house that do not end well where the cats are concerned!
30. I wonder if they make this same model with an off switch?
Are you the proud pet parent to one of the cat breeds with the biggest meows? Me too! I adore Roxy and I wouldn't trade her for anything, but oh my goodness can she talk? Sometimes I look at her and think 'You're so adorable but I really do wish you came with an off switch'.
31. Please don't run across the road
There are some cat breeds that prefer being outdoors – or at least having access to nature's backyard so they can pop outside when they feel like it. As much as I wish our cats would stay inside where it's safe and warm, they do like to venture out and feel the grass beneath their paws.
Thankfully, they're never gone for long as they love human companionship, but I still worry about them and am relieved when I hear the noise of the cat flap signaling they're home.
32. Wouldn't it be nice to have another one
For a year my husband and daughter tried to convince me that Roxy needed a sibling but I stood firm in my decision to stick with one. After all, I work from home so I'd be the one looking after it. Besides, Roxy is fairly high maintenance so taking care of one cat was more than enough. But then they started showing me photos of sweet British Shorthair kittens and eventually, I found myself thinking of how nice it would be to have two. Before I knew it, we'd welcomed Teddy into the family and I can honestly say that I'm so glad I changed my mind.
