I am 66 years old and male. When I was 34, I was in a relationship with a lady who found out she had genital herpes. I also tested positive. I’d had a couple of affairs, so I blamed myself –and even though we aren’t in a relationship anymore, that guilt remains with me.
It took me a long time to deal with it, but over the years the frequency of my herpes incidents have reduced substantially and mainly occur when I am stressed or run down. And I’m now able to “manage” things with Aciclovir tablets. Since the first episode, I have told every sexual partner I’ve ever had – including my wife. Everyone I told was sympathetic and understanding and I managed my condition safely; we went on to have three children and she did not catch herpes.
After 12 years, my marriage ended and I was once again faced with the prospect of having to tell new partners about my herpes. This terrified me – particularly being so much older and having to start all over again. I even saw a counsellor about it. It took me seven years before I had the courage to have another sexual relationship, and I had to confront my issues about informing potential partners of my “history”. Overwhelmingly, each lady I’ve been with since has been really sympathetic and understanding. In fact, a few have had herpes themselves –and I suspect would not have disclosed this to me unless I had mentioned it.
In February 2021, I met someone I really liked and felt I had to divulge my “status”. She had been married for a long time and had only had one sexual partner since her divorce. When I told her I had herpes, I received the most negative reaction I have ever experienced. She immediately said she couldn’t have a relationship with me. We are still in contact and she has apologised, although we have not met up. She says she had led a more sheltered life than me. We still like each other, but the whole experience has dented my confidence, left me feeling bruised and really shocked me. It’s made me question the whole approach to living with herpes. Is honesty still the best policy? Or have things changed? Should the approach still be open and full disclosure –when is the best timing, and how? Should I do it face-to-face or in writing? I thought I understood how to do this – but I am now really confused and disillusioned!
Confused, Herts
Dear Confused,
I want to applaud you for several key things: for owning your part in your first relationship; for being open and honest with every sexual partner you’ve had since (this is absolutely crucial); for being brave enough to see a counsellor when you were struggling to cope; and for seeking help now. That is profound and admirable. Well done.
And no, you’re not wrong – I firmly believe that honesty is always the best policy, and never more so than when you’re sharing information about your sexual health with a partner you are planning to become intimate with. It’s a huge breach of trust if you don’t, in my view – and could even be read as a lack of consent if you were to knowingly infect someone with an STD without telling them.
I understand that you now feel like you’ve been burnt by the negative reaction you received from a woman you cared about, but I want to reassure you that you did the right thing. I also want to remind you that you are not responsible for the way someone reacts to news they find difficult to process for their own reasons.
How she responded to your news says a lot more about her own feelings than it does you. And, I think it is important to note, that often people can react to things out of fear and a lack of understanding. It sounds very possible to me that the lady you confided in may have panicked – she decided to push you away, rather than face her own (possibly nerve-wracking) feelings about both you and your health condition.
Perhaps she doesn’t know much about what having herpes really means, and assumes that it’s more serious or more life-changing than it is in reality: after all, you have managed to successfully control it by medication, and didn’t even pass it on to your wife. That just goes to show that being upfront and seeking medical advice when it is really necessary does pay off.
I want to implore you not to lose all confidence now, or to shy away from close romantic connections. Don’t close yourself off from hope, possibility or love. Try to remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, reactions or happiness. You are only ever responsible for yours. Telling all future sexual partners that you have herpes isn’t easy, but it is the right thing to do. Keep doing it.
Victoria Richards is The Independent’s advice columnist. She has a degree in psychology and a postgraduate diploma in counselling and psychotherapy. Having problems with work, love, family or friends? Contact DearVix@independent.co.uk
