Makeup has been used throughout history as a way to categorise, shame and chastise women. It’s hard enough not to be manipulated into changing our appearance to fit the narratives constructed by social media and the beauty industry, let alone having to face such pressure at home – so I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
There are invariably things about our partner’s appearance we might like to change, but we shouldn’t seek to control it and must always respect their autonomy. Unless they’ve specifically asked for our help, or it’s causing them harm in some way, that should always be the bottom line.
Sarah Davidge at Women’s Aid agrees: “A relationship should be based on trust and mutual respect, without limits being placed on your self-expression. If your partner is not acknowledging these boundaries and refusing to respect your choices, it could be coercive behaviour, which is a form of domestic abuse.”
Have you explained to your partner why you like makeup and how it’s a form of self expression for you? If not, that’s worth vocalising. I understand it’s easier to acquiesce, but you shouldn’t have to justify how you choose to look to anyone, let alone a partner. If you (or those around you) feel this is a pattern in your relationship, please seek help.
In the UK, call the domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, or visit Women’s Aid. In the US, the domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). In Australia, the national family violence counselling service is on 1800 737 732. Other international helplines may be found via befrienders.org.
Got a beauty question for Anita? Email her at beautyQ&A@theguardian.com
