Dear Coleen
I hope you can help me to do the right thing. I’m a man in my late 50s and I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt over my behaviour during my marriage.
I’ve been married for 30 years and I’m ashamed to admit I’ve had several affairs years ago that my wife knows nothing about; one of them was with a very good friend of hers.
I want to make things right with her now, as she’s been ill and it’s made me realise how much I love and value her.
She had cancer, but has come out the other side and the prognosis is good.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching as a result and I want us to have a fresh start and to do some amazing things together. I think what’s happened has made me fall in love with her all over again and I want to come clean, but I know it’s a huge risk.
I’ve no idea how she’ll react, especially after coming through cancer. What would you do?
I only know I don’t want to go to my grave with this on my conscience and having lied to the person I love most.
Coleen says
You want to relieve your guilt and give it to your wife to deal with, which I think, after everything she’s been through, is quite cruel.
You’re forcing her to react to something that happened years ago. I think it would be different if you’d come clean at the time in order to work on your marriage or give her the chance to walk away.
If I were in your wife’s position and had just come through cancer, and my hubby of 30 years told me about his numerous affairs, it would smash my heart to pieces.
You asked what I would do if I were you; well, I wouldn’t confess to make myself feel better, but I’d make it up to my partner every day from this point on by showing them how much I love them.
So, maybe that’s an option for you. Of course, there’s always the danger that it’ll come out in another way and she’ll be even angrier about it because you’ve lied to her for years.
The bottom line is, you’ve made your bed and now you have to lie in it and I think you should do whatever will upset your wife the least.
If that means carrying this guilt to your grave, that’s what you have to do.
I think to dump this on her when she’s finally feeling better and got the all-clear is not a kind thing to do.
And if you have to carry this guilt, then I’m afraid that’s your penance – it’s on you.
