The question I am in my late 50s. I left my husband to be with my new partner some years ago. Our daughter is now an adult. The problem is that my daughter resents me for leaving her father, and she is so rude to my partner.
I’ve kept from her the fact that her father raped me. It was once. I felt nobody would take this seriously. We’d been married a long time and one night I woke up to him having sex with me. He had my arms pinned above my head. I asked him to stop, I was crying and he carried on. The next day he said we’d both “got a bit carried away” and he wouldn’t listen to what my experience was.
Can it be rape, as it was only once, after we’d had consensual sex numerous times? After that, I just did not want to be with him any more. It feels so silly a reason as it only happened once, but I know it isn’t. I’m so confused. I found my new partner, who is lovely and kind, and I managed to leave my husband. But my daughter judges me terribly for leaving him. She favours my ex-husband. He is always invited to stay with her, but I am not. I don’t want to tell my daughter her father raped me, but don’t know how to get her to understand why I left him. He is a charismatic man, very popular, but when we were alone, he could be, and often was, controlling and cold towards me, which I put up with. I minimise the incident in my mind as it was only once.
Philippa’s answer It was rape, you did not consent to it. And once is enough to know that he valued his power over you more than your comfort and autonomy. Once is enough to know you were not respected as a person but used as an object. This once was also the proof you needed – after enduring his controlling and cold nature for many years – that you had to break free.
You have lived a life of quiet suffering, enduring the tyranny of your former husband and yet, despite the weight of such oppression that was probably shattering your confidence, you summoned the courage to leave. This act is a triumph of the self over the forces that sought to diminish it. You chose life, you chose freedom and this choice is sacred. Do not let the judgments of others, even your daughter, trap you in the nets of guilt.
Your daughter pities her father, because she cannot comprehend the nature of your escape. She sees only the fracture in the family and not your liberation from coldness and control. It sounds as if she has cast you as a villain and your former husband as a victim; don’t be ensnared by this simplistic framework. Don’t linger over what you have lost, instead, see what you have gained: your life, your dignity, your power and a loving relationship.
Your daughter’s rudeness to your partner is not acceptable. She doesn’t have to like him, but she does need to be respectful. Set a boundary here with something like: “I love you and want a good relationship with you, but it’s not OK for you to be rude to my partner. He is kind to me and makes me happy, and I need you to respect that.”
I admire you for not trying to alienate your daughter from her father. You don’t have to think your reasons for leaving were not enough – they were. It is the weight of her judgment that makes you feel otherwise and she doesn’t know your side of the story. You may be prioritising your daughter’s feelings about her father over your own need for healing and understanding. But if you continue to try to downplay what happened in your mind, it will be hard to resolve things with her.
You don’t have to tell your daughter every detail to help her understand why you left her father. You could let her know that the marriage had problems and that you were deeply unhappy, and that for your own wellbeing, you needed to leave. You could gently tell her you often experienced him as controlling and cold towards you. That would be owning your experience, your truth, but it isn’t as alienating as just name-calling him as coercive.
It’s not uncommon for children to take the side of the “wronged” parent, especially when they see one parent suffering after a breakup. But it’s also important to remember she doesn’t have the full picture. Her judgment isn’t necessarilyabout you as a person, but about her understanding of events. You might try sharing your truth in a way that doesn’t attack her father, but asserts your need for respect. If you decide to reveal the truth, do so without shame, without hesitation as a warrior reveals their scars, not in search of pity or absolution, but as proof of your battle, your survival. You deserve to feel your decision to leave is justified because it was.
If these issues have affected you, contact rapecrisis.co.uk
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
