The first time I took mushrooms, I was terrified. I was afraid I’d taken too much and that I was going to die. But they blew me away. I felt like the mushroom gods were taking me through an underground tunnel. As the trip went on, I emerged into a room that I understood to be the mushroom gods’ chapel – a breathtakingly beautiful geometric structure shimmering in jeweled colors. It was transformative. It taught me that sometimes you need to walk through the fear to find the joy on the other side.
Now, once every few months (sometimes more often), I wake up, eat a quiet breakfast, take a walk in the park, then lie down in bed, strap on an eye mask and take a dose of psilocybin mushrooms (or, less frequently, MDMA or ketamine). Of all the things I’ve tried in my life, this has had the biggest impact on combating my anorexia.
I developed anorexia nervosa in my early 20s, and it quickly became severe and deeply entrenched; I have continued to struggle with it for the last three decades despite intensive treatment, though I did experience about a decade of remission in my 30s. After so long, my anorexia is now considered to be “chronic and enduring”, which reduces the likelihood of recovery.
It is a formidable disease, and it affects every corner of my life: what I eat, how I move, my moods, my cognition, my relationships with other people and with life itself. It also takes a significant physical toll; after decades of illness, I have developed a variety of medical complications due to chronic malnutrition. My relationship with anorexia is complicated: I hate it, yet I cling to it; it feels safe, yet it’s a prison. Ultimately, it’s a part of me, and letting go is extremely difficult.
I have been through multiple state-of-the-art treatment programs over the decades, ranging from inpatient to residential to partial hospitalization, all with only limited success. However, in recent years, a growing body of research suggests that psychedelic medicines can help people with eating disorders. This has been true for me; my 10-year remission was possible in large part thanks to MDMA and mushrooms.
I tried MDMA first. Prior to my first journey, I had never done drugs of any kind, or even been drunk, due to my anxiety – I was terrified of “losing control”. But on my 31st birthday, only a couple of months after meeting my future husband, I tried MDMA with him. I’m a cautious, scientifically minded person, so I did my research beforehand.
That first journey was absolutely life changing. We were dancing and enjoying ourselves, and in one moment we looked into each other’s eyes and really saw and acknowledged each other. It was like: “Oh, hello, there you are.” I then turned my gaze inward and said the same thing to myself. For the first time in my life, I looked inside and saw a me that I could love. For someone who has struggled with intense self-hatred since childhood, that was incredibly profound, and it shook me down to my foundation.
I have had many transcendental experiences and breakthroughs since, with a variety of psychedelics, but none has been quite as massive and soul-shaking as that first one. That experience didn’t solve my issues, but it gave me a glimpse into an ability to love myself; it gave me a north star.
I didn’t start journeying regularly and with specific intent to heal until reading Michael Pollan’s book How to Change Your Mind a few years ago. Afterwards I found myself an underground guided experience and since then, I have mostly been working with psychedelics on my own, with guidance from knowledgeable people. On journey days, I choose a playlist, strap on my eye mask, bring my intention to mind, take the medicine and see where it takes me.
After the journey, I eat a substantial meal (especially important because I don’t want to send my eating disorder the wrong message), and then get a good night’s sleep. I dedicate the next day to integration: I let the journey sink in and allow my body and mind to recover.
Working therapeutically with psychedelics is not always easy, and I often experience anxiety, fear and resistance during the initial stages of a journey. Resistance can show up in a variety of ways, such as finding excuses to “stay on the surface” and avoid going deeply into the experience. I frequently need to remind myself to surrender to the experience, to “breathe, trust and let go”.
My most difficult journeys often yield deep lessons that I can apply to my healing process. A recent journey culminated with pleading to the mushrooms: “Please help me accept your medicine!” Even as I said it, I recognized that this applied not only to the journey but to my recovery; in the weeks and months afterward, this plea became a refrain that helped me accept returning to residential treatment.
In addition to full-dose journeys, I periodically microdose psilocybin mushrooms. I’ve also been undergoing ketamine-assisted psychotherapy with a licensed therapist for a couple of years. Cannabis, which is legal where I live, is the only medicine I use on a daily basis. Each medicine contributes its own support and helps me to be honest with myself in its own way: psilocybin often comes with profound insights; ketamine brings deep calm and nervous system reset; cannabis calms my anxiety and helps me to sleep.
I’m mindful about how I use these medicines. Less is more; the goal is to find the minimum effective dose. And, crucially, I want to integrate the lessons of one journey into my life before embarking on the next one.
Working with psychedelics hasn’t magically made everything all better, nor has it cured me. My anorexia and the underlying issues that drive it are deeply ingrained, and healing is still going to take a lot of work. No one knows better than I do that there are no shortcuts and these drugs may not work for everyone with my condition. But I have made more progress since beginning to work intentionally with psychedelic medicines than I have in decades of conventional therapy, – and that gives me hope.
As told to Mattha Busby
• In the US, help is available at nationaleatingdisorders.org or by calling ANAD’s eating disorders hotline at 800-375-7767. In the UK, Beat can be contacted on 0808-801-0677. In Australia, the Butterfly Foundation is at 1800 33 4673. Other international helplines can be found at Eating Disorder Hope
• In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. You can also reach Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741741. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978
• In Australia, the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline is at 1800 250 015; families and friends can seek help at Family Drug Support Australia at 1300 368 186.
