This week I should probably be discussing opinions such as the Premier League being done as a product if they don’t properly follow through and punish clubs caught breaking the rules (Everton, Manchester City, Chelsea).
Or opining on why the majority of fan criticism levelled at Gareth Southgate simply stems from fans being bored.
Those topics can wait. Instead I have something bigger I need to get off my chest. An epidemic is sweeping the game and threatening to ruin the spectacle of goal celebrations for me. I’m talking about knee slide celebrations.
Groundsman - can I get an AMEN?
Gameweek 12 saw 37 goals scored across the Premier League, eight of these - EIGHT - provoked knee-sliding celebrations. Eight knee slides, Jeremy? That’s insane.
Brennan Johnson, Mario Lemina, Josh Brownhill, Vitaliy Mykolenko, Thiago Silva, Erling Haaland, Nicolas Jackson and Rodri. Eight grown men slid on their knees like they were attending their first wedding reception.
Earlier this year comedian Karl Porter went viral when his reenactment of a slow-motion goal, complete with knee-slide celebration, was shared by millions.
The skit is inspired. Mats Hummels described it as “perfection” and he’s right. Porter has perfected the act right down to the subtle hip rotation at the end as the knee slide reaches its conclusion. He even does a sign of the cross on his chest before looking up to god.
@copa90 ♬ original sound - COPA90
Knee slides are so embedded in football culture, so widespread, they are now comedy sketch fodder. This is where the problem lies.
The shine has totally gone from them as an act. They’re daft. They're as silly as players who perform two little hops, a skip and touch the grass as they enter the field of play - sometimes even adding a pirouette so they enter the field walking backwards. You’ve seen this, right? If not, keep your eyes peeled. Coming soon from me: 500 words on that oddity.
The football knee-slide should be retired with the Klinsmann dive celebration. There is just no originality to a knee slide celebration as a spectacle anymore.
I will admit Lewis Hall's 8.71-yard knee slide when he scored at Old Trafford recently was impressive. Yet at the same time, ridiculous - 8.71 yards!
Thanks to @mo_nufc for supplying the picture. Based on the size of the pitch at Old Trafford - the run off areas & some guesstimation…Lewis Hall’s knee slide measures: 📏 𝟖.𝟕𝟏 𝐘𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬The bar has been set for the new season. #nufc #CheersGroundsmanIsCrying pic.twitter.com/nqwm0nqR97November 1, 2023
Watching football I have now developed a sixth sense for them, when a player scores I can see it in their eyes that a knee slide is coming. The flicker of ‘oh, sh*t, I’ve scored, better do something’.
Chances of a knee slide occurring are heightened by several factors: goals in close games, the later in a game the goal occurs, if an unexpected player scores (E.g. Dan Burn), long-range goals or volleys (which generally mean a scorer has the space and time to wheel away and plot a line for their slide). The biggest trigger of the knee slide celebrations is, of course, rain.
Sometimes knee slides go wrong and sliders miscalculate them ending up flat on their face, or even injured. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer admitted he tweaked his medial ligament while knee sliding after his Champions League winner in 1999. “I missed two or three weeks and a couple of internationals for Norway,” he recalled.
In 2018 Eden Hazard took to Chelsea’s social media channels to announce his knee sliding days were over. “I need to stop this. My knees - they are on fire! No more of this celebration."
Stat website Squawka revealed that 22.9% of his Chelsea goals had been celebrated with a knee-slide.
One more thing (before I go for a lie down) I need to address the cardinal sin of knee sliding in football: a non-goalscorer knee sliding with the goalscorer and still being in slide mode when the scorer has exited their slide. Complete cringe.
In 2023/24 knee slides are officially done. It’s an unoriginal waste of a celebration. Goal scorers need to look for something else. Celebrate with your team-mates or the fans.
No one has ever been able to do them as well as Theirry Henry or Didier Drogba anyway. It's over.
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