I gave up drinking five years ago and have been open and honest about my previous struggles with alcohol. My father-in-law insists on presenting me with a bottle of wine at Christmas (my only present from him). How should I deal with this? I feel annoyed and angry with him but haven’t spoken out.
Eleanor says: Sometimes when you tell people you don’t drink, there’s an expectation that you only semi-seriously mean it – as though it’s a half-hearted diet and you’ll give it up if you get enough nudges to the ribs. Alcohol is such a fixture of social life that people frequently just will not allow the possibility of its absence.
The incredible irritation of this, as you know, is that it forces you to constantly revisit something you’d probably prefer to let fade away. When people “forget” over and over, they task you with constantly reminding them, making sobriety a far bigger focal point of your identity than it would be if they just absorbed it once and let everyone move on. By continuing to offer drinks you won’t accept, they push you into the role of dour refuser. Little wonder you feel annoyed!
Could you ask your spouse to say something? Their lines of communication with him may be better greased than yours, such that they could ask for a change more easily. “Dad, I have a favour to ask: even though I appreciate the wine you give us, [so-and-so] just doesn’t drink. Would you mind giving us something else this year?”
You might even suggest a comestible you would enjoy, so you’re not giving him gift-idea homework.
However, if he’s already done this through five years of sobriety, he’s evinced a fair amount of indifference to what you’ve gone through. That leads me to think that more variations on this theme might be in your future together: a champagne glass foisted at a wedding, a glass sat in front of you at the pub. It might be worth finding ways to channel the annoyance if he keeps this up (or, for that matter, if others do).
Strange as it might sound, I think private moments of pettiness can be a good way of coping with slights like this. You could secretly make a show of pouring his wine down the sink with a big funnel. Stick your tongue out while you do it. Write “you emotionally illiterate mug” on the bottle before you toss it in the recycling. These little indulgences can be a way to vent the steam on slights; to turn anger into a laugh.
One other way to cope might be to ponder how little imagination or introspection people show by doing this – especially compared with how much you had to show to get sober to begin with. If you’ve been able to give up drinking, you’ve been able to harness a seriously impressive level of insight and capacity to change. Seeing how little of those things your father-in-law is exhibiting with his choice of gift could give you a quiet moment of satisfaction.
Perhaps, if he keeps this up despite requests to change, you could decide he is giving you a good gift after all. It is an opportunity to be proud of the fact that you, for one, understand how hard it can be to be sober, and that you, for one, take your wellbeing seriously.
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