The question I feel I am unable to give 100% to anything. When I say anything, I mean my business, friendships, parenting, my relationship or any other task that is given to me or taken on by me. I don’t feel the urge to put in enough effort. It seems I’m fine about losing people, business, money or anything (so long as it doesn’t leave me destitute). I do fear a bit when things are just about to go, but then somehow it turns out OK. I don’t feel close to my parents. I make most decisions based on what needs to be done, rather than what I feel like doing.
I somehow don’t make the decision to sell up my business, because it just goes on. I take a huge amount of time in making decisions. I am always in two minds. I fear what the decision could turn out to be. I eventually take a decision when time has almost run out.
I am married and have a young daughter. My marriage is a struggle as my wife feels I don’t take enough responsibility. What should I do?
Philippa’s answer From now on, please drop 100% as a goal. Let’s go for 70%. Perfectionism is stifling and paralysing and the enemy of creativity and connection.
You wrote to me from your work email, so I searched your business. Wow! Looks like a great enterprise, you’ve got at least six branches in three different cities. And it’s fantastic that “it just goes on” – that your own business seems to run itself is what most entrepreneurs dream of. I’m guessing you have got high standards and that you were brought up in a culture of perfectionism, but I’m not sure that this 100% thing suits you.
When I was studying a branch of psychotherapy called Gestalt, we were taught to look out for the red flag that is a “should”. I think you’ve got a massive “should” going on about always giving your all. It’s time for you to question this because it sounds as if this “should”, rather than helping you progress through life, is only firing up your inner rebel, who is replying to the “should” with a “no”.
The trouble is, when we disconnect, because we are burning out and we are unaware about what we want to disconnect from, we disconnect from everything, so it then affects all areas of our lives.
All of us have an inner voice that in Gestalt therapy is called “Top Dog”. In psychoanalysis, it’s called the “superego”, in transactional analysis – the “parent ego state”. Whatever you want to call it, it speaks to you in “shoulds”. We also have an “Underdog” (or “id” or “child ego state”) that acts like our inner rebel. It responds to the Top Dog but, here’s the thing, while the Top Dog has words, the Underdog has only feelings and actions. Think of it like this: perhaps Top Dog says, “You should not overeat,” but then Underdog thoughtlessly reaches for the biscuits. So how do we get around this impasse? You do it by going deeper into the Underdog. It’s hard to listen to Underdog because he doesn’t have words, so we need to find the words for him. Then we must give him a bit of what he wants, so that he doesn’t rebel and sabotage our entire life. I think the key to this is when you say all your decisions are taken based on what you need to do rather than what you feel like doing. I think you need to do more of what you feel like doing rather than what seems sensible to you, because you need to give your Underdog some of what he needs to quell his tendency to rebel.
Don’t make decisions for the perfect outcome, because they take too long and won’t make you happier. Instead, make decisions for the “that’ll do” outcome. In addition, make more decisions from a feels-good place rather than just from a sensible place. Give it 70%.
When you accept that 70% effort for work is enough, rather than breaking yourself in two by believing it should be 100%, you’ll have more emotional energy for what’s really important.
Play with your daughter. Don’t train her to be a perfectionist. Be goofy and play. Make her laugh every day. Take full responsibility for either getting-up time or bedtime with her. Don’t see time with your daughter as a chore but as time to relish and enjoy. This is your chance to make a great bond with her, take your time over it. It is not something to be rushed. She is a responsibility, yes, but see her as a person first.
Talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. Acknowledging your struggles can open the door to better understanding and cooperation.
Make a conscious effort to spend more time with your wife, daughter, parents and friends. Even small acts of attention and care can begin to rebuild connections. What shared activities can you engage in? It could be something as simple as a barbecue. Do stuff that both yourself and they will enjoy. It will strengthen bonds and help you feel more connected. Do more of what you feel like doing, or you won’t feel like doing anything. Remember, old people on their deathbeds regret not spending more quality time with the people that matter more than anything else.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
